bob redux

in the past month i've referred two people to bob (the therapist that rory and i saw). i remain convinced that none of those sessions were wasted on me/us. in spite of the outcome, it was money well spent. but it's weird, because in looking back at those old posts i cannot believe how much things have changed. it's like reading a work of fiction, or an autobiography of someone else's life. i don't recognize myself in that time. i don't recognize rory. i cannot remember what it felt like to be so completely and constantly terrified. i can't remember what it felt like to desperately want to fix things with rory and to hate him so much at the same time.

i visited with j3n today (yes, of snake & butterfly (she's moving to portland and the kids were good friends so we visited, okay?)) and she asked me how things with rory have been. good. really really good. i like him as one of the fathers to my children. and i like him as a human being again. i actually went out of my way to have lunch with him the other day. there's a strange level of comfort between him and i. and i suppose none of that would be possible without the strange and incredible level of comfort with danny and summer too. i genuinely hope that he's happy. i hope that we stay happy. i hope for shared holidays and vacations. it does get better. imagine that. 

the weepies

i can't explain all these feelings that are coming up after the fact. i'm more scared now than i was before the surgery. i suppose this is one of those highly-medicated-for-many-days bad days that i read about on so many other mastectomy blogs. i am not regretting having the surgery at all. i am fully okay with the no nipple thing. i am fascinated, not disgusted, by how things look because i know they will only look better over time. i went out tonight with a sports bra and chicken cutlets (to smooth out my extremely lumpy look); aside from the drain bulges no one would suspect a thing. i'm not even particularly uncomfortable. the pressure, deep breath pain has been replaced with occasional short and sharp (what i assume is) nerve regeneration pain in odd and sometime unidentifiable places. i have no sensation whatsoever on my skin; it's seriously like touching someone else's body.

but then there are these moments (one was an upside-down hair washing moment today) when i find myself crying, in a sobbing and sincere (but pathetic) way, like my heart has been broken. and i can't say exactly why. i was so happy to be feeling clean and self-sufficient in a little way and yet i felt devastated in a way i haven't felt since rory left. and now that i see it written, maybe that's part of it. just like my pregnancy with lorenzo i did something that is strictly female (but that ultimately reads as strong and brave   (bleh hate that stfu) and NOT feminine) that required help but that could also not be adequately explained or shared to or with my partner. and it scares me that like rory, danny is feeling burdened and isolated at the same time, or inadequate and overwhelmed. and ready to bolt. i keep telling myself that i have no real evidence to support that, it's not his style, he complains when he's unhappy instead of stuffing it down and suffering in silence (god there is never silence around here). but fuck if a man can leave you with a three month old a man can certainly leave you after you've had your tits chopped off, especially for a woman with tits that are already beautiful and come with nipples.

on the other hand i reason that it could be the opposite, that this scared him. that he does love me. that he's afraid to touch me because he doesn't want to hurt me. that he wants me to be strong and okay and in his stubborn man way he wants to be the one that can teach me how to be that way, because he hasn't figured out yet that I AM strong and okay. and shit if he didn't actually water the lawn today... please let it be the latter.

see? i look human when bathed, clothed and not high!

the one where i again (again) post a list of potential post titles

• the one where i back danny's truck into a car, he floods the bathroom with shit, and both turn out to be good things
• wherein i admit to danny that i was secretly and deeply worried that his sobriety would negatively affect our sex life, the night after mind blowing drunk sex
• the one where i communicate with my kids exclusively via walkie talkie so they aren't near me
• the one where my stepson calls his father a douche bag and it results in a punch in the arm
• wherein i ask danny's alter-ego (drunk danny) what size boobies i should get and he says "BIG...i mean, you can always get them made smaller..."
• the one where parenthood makes me cry EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
• the one where i realize that i don't know how to make lasagna but it seems like a tremendous pain in the ass
• the one where i suck it up
• the one where i am so over cleaning up the same fucking messes every day
• wherein i tell you that it's leap year and that i think that's stupid
• the one where i take my own advice from way back

thursday 13: week 18

thirteen awesome things about having two kids in grade school edition

1) coffee & a chocolate croissant with a friend at 8:15 AM

2) running around the track with the bad mothers club (plus sometimes amanda and heather and wine)

3) morning sex that does not require bribery of children with candy and/or tv

4) packing school lunches (seriously, i love this)

5) multi-grade gossip around the playground

6) getting in and out of the bank in 3 minutes flat because no one is begging for suckers

7) driving with the music AS LOUD AS I WANT without anyone complaining that their ears hurt

8) ironing without interruption

9) my kids can READ and WRITE ya'll!

10) coming home exhausted and satisfied with having gotten so much done in a day

11) hoarders, intervention, no reservations

12) collating and stapling things with the electric stapler

13) missing the kids makes me appreciate them a tiny bit more

will someone do me a favor?

mom and i found my wedding dress today. no, i'm not engaged (yet). yes, i bought it. yes, it cost $35. yes, it requires pie. and eclectic chairs. and canning jars with mismatched silverware. and a FASCINATOR. and vintage stockings with vintage garters. and my trademark red lipstick. and a live band with a fiddle. basically, I want this wedding.

so someone tell danny to shit or get off the pot and that my favorite romantic song is stevie wonder's i believe. and it's in one of my favorite movies too.

i am seriously failing in the blogging department

because i am EXCELLING in the life department.

snake & butterfly is doing things i never dreamed it would do. we got into williams effing sonoma ya'll. new packaging is in full effect (thanks to me, mom, and that printer guy up the hill). we've just put in an application to an adorable little place in downtown campbell to open a mother-loving STORE. pictures and an updated website to follow.

oh oh oh, i can share this here because dan dan doesn't read this blog! i'm taking him to germany (bremen) and the netherlands (amsterdam) for his 30th birthday and it's a surprise. he's never been to europe. shhhhh. ideas? i've been to amsterdam but not germany. we have family in both places so won't be needing anywhere to stay. eeeee! going after christmas (28th?) for a week to ten days.

the kids? the kids are lovely and terrible all rolled into one. i am SO ready for school to start, not because they're bothering me particularly but because they are driving each other crazy. they play SO well together until suddenly: they don't. *i'm interrupting my own post to tell you that i hate baby's breath (the flower). there, i said it.* someone please inform me if there is a year round school near here. also, what the hell is with the GIANT list of supplies the kids need this year? 45 boxes of kleenex? 700 pencils? 68 boxes of crayons? i'm going to need to take out a loan. lorenzo turned five and yes, i'm a terrible mom for not making some special post. but anyway, he's having experiencing some "growing pains" but is still totally the love of my life. which reminds me. have i mentioned how much i love 7 year olds? while i find them exhausting, grade schoolers are SO much easier than their younger selves. they read! they use their words (mostly)! they HELP! they understand consequences! they play ridiculously complex soap-opera-ish games with their barbies (also, how lucky is miss p to have a little brother that LOVES barbies???). they take an interest in music! they turn their noses up at crappy chocolate! i'm so proud. :D

where the hell is time going?

mainly to children and chocolate and health-ifying men i suppose. i don't think i've even been this busy in my entire life. between two days in parker's classroom, four days in the kitchen, one day at the market and a meeting or two i am so flipping exhausted. oh yeah, i'm grading papers too. why? WHY?!

s&b has doubled its wholesale accounts in the last month or two and is suffering only minor growing pains. we're hopefully signing the lease on the store front sometime in the next week. we're redoing the website. and our packaging. and designing the store. omg. this is real. someone from sunset magazine just contacted me. we're winning awards and being recognized by name and brand and face. never in my wildest dreams.

meanwhile things are changing so quickly at home that i too am taking it "one day at a time." what a ride this is. indescribable. trying to find a good al-anon meeting and in the meantime, going to a saturday morning meeting with "the boys." so many "aha moments" i feel like i'm on oprah.

after months of grogginess i cut my anti-depressant (celexa) in half. seem to be feeling a bit better. wouldn't it be something if after 10 years i wasn't on it anymore? might try something a bit more activating. i'm still a but irritable, particularly with the kids. derp.

things with rory are...the same-ish? except the kids don't care. and i mostly don't care. and he continues to be a sort of douchey uncle figure. lorenzo has taken to calling danny "daddy" on occasion and danny, more than ever IS daddy. home life is mostly domestic and boring these days with the random flare ups of rory (for example:claiming the kids on his taxes (without my permission while we were out of the country) or paying his child support a week and a half late and not in full). i'm looking into having his wages garnished. the man owes me almost $15k for the love of god.