okay so i lied

my plan was to post again yesterday and then i became unconscious or something. honestly the strangest part of all this is that i cannot keep in my head for more than 5 seconds what day it is or who i saw or talked to or what i ate or wtf.

so here's what i can and cannot do 9 days, 1 hour, 35 minutes post surgery (sorry, i love that effing date duration calculator).

• i can put a load of laundry in the wash and take one out of the dryer.
• i cannot easily take a wet load of laundry out of the washer and put it in the dryer - derp!
• i cannot drive or ride my bike, i am completely reliant on other people to get me of the goddam house. ran out of cream? beg your ex-husband to pick some up for you. 
• i can use my arms fairly well: up high enough to do a ponytail, straight out from my sides, but anything that involves pushing (using pec muscles) no way, nada. for some reason my right arm is way more mobile than my left. doesn't seem to be related to being right handed. hurts my right pec area. weird
• i can't vacuum. FRICK.
• i can finally go to the bathroom. thank you anesthesia and narcotics. no actually, thank you prunes, prune juice, colace, et al
• i can't fucking shower. that's right, the stupid form that the doctors gave me before the surgery said "shower away! feel awesome! be beautiful! smell good!" or something like that. and then, at discharge they're like, hell no, do not under any circumstances get any of that shit between your armpits and your belly button wet. 
• i can take a very complicated bath that involves wrapping much of my torso in saran wrap, filling up the tub with about four inches of water and washing/shaving everything below my belly button and then sit in the shower seat with the sprayer thingy and wash my hair upsidedownlike and wash my pits and arms with a washcloth being careful not to get my incisions wet. and it takes an hour and fuck i'm tired.
• i can climb a short flight of stairs with a great deal of huffing and puffing. 
• i can sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.
• i can reveal my breasts to literally everyone that i have seen in the past 9 days without embarrassment. i can also coerce them into touching the weird pokey-out parts of the expanders whether they want or not.

2 days 20 hours 48 minutes

the kids and i rode our bikes to the library today (about 4 miles round trip, not bad for a 5 and 8 year old) and stocked up on books and movies for after my surgery. i came home with:

1. seasons 1, 2 & 3 of united states of tara (com/dram 992 minutes)
2. cold souls (com/dram 101 minutes)
3. capote (dram/crime 114 minutes)
4. an education (drama 100 minutes)
5. death at a funeral (the original british version comedy 90 minutes)
6. the other guys (comedy 107 minutes)
7. margot at the wedding (com/dram 93 minutes)
8. cyrus (com/dram 91 minutes)

that's roughly 28 hours of mindless vicodin-high tv watching. care to join me?

22 days, 23 bajllion appointments

• april 17th - breast mri
• may 7th - pre-op with plastic surgeon
• may 8th - bilateral mastectomy
• may 15th - follow up with breast oncologist
• may 16th - drain removal by plastic surgeon
• may 22nd - physical therapy
• may 23rd - first expansion
• may 29th - physical therapy
• may 30th - second expansion

and after that as many expansion appointments as it takes to get my boobs melon-sized. then, a three to four to five month rest for my foobs (<--- see fourth definition) before the swaparoo! oh, did i forgot to mention that i probably won't be able to drive to any of these? er, volunteers? i'll buy lunch!

also, and how amazing is this, maria happened to bring me two bags of clothes from one of her rich clients today. my size, fortuitous. half the clothes button or zip ups, incredible!

the one where i again (again) post a list of potential post titles

• the one where i back danny's truck into a car, he floods the bathroom with shit, and both turn out to be good things
• wherein i admit to danny that i was secretly and deeply worried that his sobriety would negatively affect our sex life, the night after mind blowing drunk sex
• the one where i communicate with my kids exclusively via walkie talkie so they aren't near me
• the one where my stepson calls his father a douche bag and it results in a punch in the arm
• wherein i ask danny's alter-ego (drunk danny) what size boobies i should get and he says "BIG...i mean, you can always get them made smaller..."
• the one where parenthood makes me cry EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
• the one where i realize that i don't know how to make lasagna but it seems like a tremendous pain in the ass
• the one where i suck it up
• the one where i am so over cleaning up the same fucking messes every day
• wherein i tell you that it's leap year and that i think that's stupid
• the one where i take my own advice from way back

let's start this off nice and slow m'kay?

with a meme i stole from colleen's blog:


What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? helped deliver a baby. SO FLIPPING COOL.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? no, i didn't. i said i'd blog more. and i blogged less. how about i say that i'll blog more in 2011 than i blogged in 2010? seems reasonable.

Did anyone close to you give birth? colleen. very close to me. ;)

Did anyone close to you die? yes. kerry and vaughn

What countries did you visit? boo. stupid question. moving on.

What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? SOME FUCKING MONEY.

What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory? a terrible night in LA for a crappy wedding. the amazing night colleen had the baby. the night i stood up for myself.

What was your biggest failure? not standing up for myself sooner.

Did you suffer illness or injury? only generalized stuff. we did have a terrible stomach bug though.

What was the best thing you bought? the subaru!

Where did most of your money go? living... food, house, kids

What did you get really, really, really excited about? meh. oh, having danny here for christmas! that was a first!

What song will always remind you of 2010? hmmm, they all blur together on my ipod and pandora.

Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder?: about the same

b) thinner or fatter?: about the same

c) richer or poorer?: about the same

What do you wish you'd done more of? outdoorsy things...

What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying

How will you be spending New Years? with the elio's and the hull's and a buttload of children (14). :D

What was your favorite TV program? hoarders. heh heh heh

What was the best book you read? i ravaged _seductive poison_ unbelievable.

What was your greatest musical discovery? having pandora on all the flipping time at home.

What did you want and get? a new (to me) car

What did you want and not get? the $12,000+ rory owes me in back child support

What was your favorite film of this year? inception?

What did you do on your birthday? san francisco?

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? more money to spend on the kids.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? bangs! slightly more funky than usual maybe.

What kept you sane? thursday morning play dates.

Who did you miss? my cousins.

Who was the best new person you met? eh, not met but getting to know colleen and mara better has changed my life for the better.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: integrity never gets old. and blowing up at rory occasionally is a good thing.

Was 2010 a good year for you? Why? on the whole, yes. i kept moving forward. grew as a person.

What was your favorite moment of the year? realizing one night in november that i can survive ANYthing. again and again.

Where were you when 2010 began? um, los gatos?

Where will you be when 2010 ends? campbell?

Did you make any new friends in 2010? see above.

What was your favorite month of 2010? dunno.

How many different states / provinces did you travel to in 2010? i think i was only in california this year.

What was your favorite record from 2010? band of horses

How many concerts did you see in 2010? just one, band of horses

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2010? we went to six weddings. need i say more?

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2010? nah

What was the worst lie someone told you in 2010? that we were friends.

How much money did you spend in 2010? all of it.

What was your proudest moment of 2010? standing up for myself and my kids.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2010 and change something, what would it be? i wouldn't. that would be lame. and creepy.

What are your plans for 2011? belize! storefront/restaurant!

yes, i have been ignoring the blog...but for good reason

1. we finished the remodel on the kids' bedroom and bathroom! it looks fantastic. photos will be uploaded tomorrow.
2. we went to the steve miller concert last weekend. photos will be uploaded tomorrow.
3. snake & butterfly got TWO new markets over in santa cruz! w00p!
4. we just finished another wedding (125 people)!
5. other excitement, nws. ;0)

i'll update tomorrow. m'kay?

the one where my creativity runs out but my luck is just beginning

• we got a fourth market. holy crap. we're blowin' up. see left panel for newest info. we're excited about this cambrian market because it's typically a great one during the summer. and it's a great time slot.
• got tax return today...almost out of debt. :D
• watched the farrah fawcett special last week. hadn't really followed her story per se but was very touched by it, to the point of bawling my eyes out. as a cancer survivor, i found it moving and honest. apparently there have been lots of critics saying that she should have addressed a broader health topic. stfu. the cancer i had is very rare (only 8000 new cases a year) and i appreciate someone bringing attention to a 'less popular' cancer (especially one that people are embarrassed to talk about). while i appreciate any and all cancer research, it gets a bit frustrating at times to realize that many (very deadly) cancers are sort of ignored. the 'pink' campaign has been HUGELY successful...but why are there so few others? anyway, loved the documentary. watch it if you get the chance.
• talked to r/bk this afternoon. he and miss bk broke up over the weekend. i don't know any details (and wouldn't share them here if i did) but i imagine he's hurting quite badly. a part of me is (genuinely) very sad for him because i know just how awful these things can be. another part of me is desperately hoping that is just the thing that needed to happen to bring him closer to the kids again. so let me put this out there to the universe: i want him to find happiness within himself, his children, his relationships. i want him to find balance and peace and success. i want him to become the kick ass dad i believe he's capable of being. if he decides to repartner at some point (i can't imagine he won't), i want him to find someone who loves our kids and wants them around. i want this to be a turning point for him and our family, seperate but joined. let me make it (frusteratingly?) clear: i'm taking no pleasure in his hurt. i feel on some level that i should be, but honestly i'm just sad. his pain can't possibly erase my past hurt.