poem for nobody
you are two decades too late
twelve lifetimes irrelevant
stereotype heaped upon stereotype
you are two decades too late
twelve lifetimes irrelevant
stereotype heaped upon stereotype
buzzkill
helloooo ladies from the breastcancer.org forums!
hey ladies. i'm back and happy to answer questions. on june 2nd dr. bates is doing a liposuction procedure to get at some missed breast tissue near my armpits. i'll be documenting that before and after so you can see the results. it's been a little over two years since the mastectomy now and a year and a half since reconstruction.
pictures and an actual update will be up tomorrow.
aaaaaand if you're here to read about other stuff…all shit's gone to hell with BK. danny and i are planning a wedding. school's almost out. the shop is so so so busy. reminder to myself to talk about the thyroid hell.
pictures and an actual update will be up tomorrow.
aaaaaand if you're here to read about other stuff…all shit's gone to hell with BK. danny and i are planning a wedding. school's almost out. the shop is so so so busy. reminder to myself to talk about the thyroid hell.
the cunt is back. OR this is what happens when you abandon a blog for six months.
yeah. 27 year old me would have given a shit that you think i'm a cunt with ugly boobs. 31 year old me doesn't.
life has gotten in the way of blogging, namely the shop. i owe the great wide web a metric buttload of pictures of my semi-relaxed foobs. and of course i'm back because the shit is about to hit the fan again with BK. tucking the childrens in bed. i'll be back. copiously. angelina jolie, if you're out there, i hope you saw my foobs before your surgery! that'd be pretty cool with me.
in short: the womb has been sealed (and signed and delivered). i miss my nipples some days still but i hope that tattoos will appease me ultimately, not tattoos of nipples. the shop is insanely busy. rory moved away to be with his girlfriend. and stopped paying child support.
life has gotten in the way of blogging, namely the shop. i owe the great wide web a metric buttload of pictures of my semi-relaxed foobs. and of course i'm back because the shit is about to hit the fan again with BK. tucking the childrens in bed. i'll be back. copiously. angelina jolie, if you're out there, i hope you saw my foobs before your surgery! that'd be pretty cool with me.
in short: the womb has been sealed (and signed and delivered). i miss my nipples some days still but i hope that tattoos will appease me ultimately, not tattoos of nipples. the shop is insanely busy. rory moved away to be with his girlfriend. and stopped paying child support.
bob redux
in the past month i've referred two people to bob (the therapist that rory and i saw). i remain convinced that none of those sessions were wasted on me/us. in spite of the outcome, it was money well spent. but it's weird, because in looking back at those old posts i cannot believe how much things have changed. it's like reading a work of fiction, or an autobiography of someone else's life. i don't recognize myself in that time. i don't recognize rory. i cannot remember what it felt like to be so completely and constantly terrified. i can't remember what it felt like to desperately want to fix things with rory and to hate him so much at the same time.
i visited with j3n today (yes, of snake & butterfly (she's moving to portland and the kids were good friends so we visited, okay?)) and she asked me how things with rory have been. good. really really good. i like him as one of the fathers to my children. and i like him as a human being again. i actually went out of my way to have lunch with him the other day. there's a strange level of comfort between him and i. and i suppose none of that would be possible without the strange and incredible level of comfort with danny and summer too. i genuinely hope that he's happy. i hope that we stay happy. i hope for shared holidays and vacations. it does get better. imagine that.
i visited with j3n today (yes, of snake & butterfly (she's moving to portland and the kids were good friends so we visited, okay?)) and she asked me how things with rory have been. good. really really good. i like him as one of the fathers to my children. and i like him as a human being again. i actually went out of my way to have lunch with him the other day. there's a strange level of comfort between him and i. and i suppose none of that would be possible without the strange and incredible level of comfort with danny and summer too. i genuinely hope that he's happy. i hope that we stay happy. i hope for shared holidays and vacations. it does get better. imagine that.
3 days 23 hours and some minutes
some aspect of my brain fried yesterday. i had coffee with forrest in the morning and then drank an entire bottle of champagne and got *rather* inebriated and sobby. (mike, amanda, heather shut your respective faces.) the forrest part was uneventful and pleasant-ish. we swirled around the old cancer-y stuff, kids and jobs and avoided anything more personal and reminisce-y.
rory conversation: not.so.much. danny had guys night, no one was around to go out for a drink with me. i came home with a cheap bottle of champagne for me and a very large beer for rory and made him keep me company. we talked for a long time about summer and her family, about danny and his family, about our jobs, about the kids, about normal things that people talk about when they've known each other 16 years and haven't talked in a very long time. and then the fact that i haven't been drinking and had consumed 3/4 of a bottle of cook's brut turned me into a crying confessing raccoon faced mess. we talked about him cheating (though he never sealed the deal with tara until he left) and i took it as the moment to tell him about sleeping with austin before we got married, hoped it stung a bit. i told him that the way he left made me think that danny was leaving at every turn over the past five years. that i've changed. that i'm not that pushy bitch, that i retreat instead into the body of a 1930's housewife at one moment and a liberated whore at the next. he went silent for a few minutes, but in a thinking way. i called him out. he said sorry that he did what he did, how he did it. i thanked him for leaving, leading me ultimately to the messy joy i have now. he said that he told his boss that we've been divorced for years but are 'very good friends.' i cried for being young and dumb when he said something about it sometimes taking 8 years to realize what you don't want. he hugged me. he left. i cried some more, cathartically and drunk dialed brett until danny came home.
rory conversation: not.so.much. danny had guys night, no one was around to go out for a drink with me. i came home with a cheap bottle of champagne for me and a very large beer for rory and made him keep me company. we talked for a long time about summer and her family, about danny and his family, about our jobs, about the kids, about normal things that people talk about when they've known each other 16 years and haven't talked in a very long time. and then the fact that i haven't been drinking and had consumed 3/4 of a bottle of cook's brut turned me into a crying confessing raccoon faced mess. we talked about him cheating (though he never sealed the deal with tara until he left) and i took it as the moment to tell him about sleeping with austin before we got married, hoped it stung a bit. i told him that the way he left made me think that danny was leaving at every turn over the past five years. that i've changed. that i'm not that pushy bitch, that i retreat instead into the body of a 1930's housewife at one moment and a liberated whore at the next. he went silent for a few minutes, but in a thinking way. i called him out. he said sorry that he did what he did, how he did it. i thanked him for leaving, leading me ultimately to the messy joy i have now. he said that he told his boss that we've been divorced for years but are 'very good friends.' i cried for being young and dumb when he said something about it sometimes taking 8 years to realize what you don't want. he hugged me. he left. i cried some more, cathartically and drunk dialed brett until danny came home.
four days
i've been making a concerted effort to do things in the past couple of weeks that i'm not going to be able to do like swimming with the kids and soaking in the hot tub. this is almost a nightly thing for us and has been for years. i won't be able to do it for a few weeks until my wounds are healed-ish so i'm trying to have fun playing with the kids in an environment that we are all very fond of. i swear, we are better in the water than we are on dry land, more coordinated in any case.
i've also been riding the shitty bike rory gave me for my birthday. it was his, but he had two and it was the one i used to ride. it has two wheels and some gears and works. riding everywhere these days. freeeeeeee! and involves chest-y muscles. kind of bummed that i'm getting super into it and am gonna have to put it on hold soon.
totally unrelated, i have found my music soulmate in danny's brother, brett. seriously, there is no music we don't both enjoy and it has made putting together a surgery playlist together very easy. this one is on there. they'll let me wear headphones while i'm under right?
the one where i finally have an appointment
after some back and forth i finally have an appointment with dr. runi, a surgical oncologist up in palo alto (march 22, same day as colleen's surgery). she requested all of my medical records from packard and stanford hospitals. i don't think she had any idea just what she was asking for, ha. i can't imagine what 15 years of my medical records look like but it appears she's only getting my mri mammograms and info about my radiation to start. i guess there'll be no real news on that until i meet with her in a few weeks.
rory hasn't brought up the boob issue with me again but has informed me that he'll probably be moving to fresno (where S and R are) in aprilish. that's about 2.5 to 3 hours from here. i'm not upset about this but it'll mean some juggling of schedules again. his initial offer was to have the kids from after school on friday until monday morning when school starts. i told him that i think it would be super stressful to the kids to do that drive/adjustment every weekend (leaving at 4:30AM monday morning sounds like hell to me!). he agreed that since there's at least a three day weekend or break every month of school maybe we could do an amended schedule with longer visits. i'm oddly excited for the kids, really hopeful that things will continue to go well between rory and S. the kids (and i) adore her and R (who is lorenzo's age, almost exactly). i envision allowing them to have some of the holidays in the future, a more tradition blended family schedule. i know, it sounds strange to me too. i don't know what happened.