cancer-shmancer
copyright Lydia Makepeace www.lydiamakepeace.com
she’s gone and i don’t feel sad at all. yet.
celeste (36) - Dx 12/98: Hodgkins Lymphoma Nodular Sclerosing stage IIA - 25Gy mantle radiation & VAMP 5/8/12: Prophylactic BMX w/TE 9/7/12: Reconstruction w/Sientra cohesive gel implants 400cc 5/2/14: Liposuction to remove missed tissue 6/23/17: Implant revision w/Natrelle Inspira & fat grafting 10/15/18: Total hysterectomy w/salpingectomy
ovaries before ovaries
i have surgery scheduled for october 15th - laproscopic hysterectomy (uterus + cervix) plus salpingectomy (fallopian tubes). the hope is to spare my ovaries; the warning is that with less blood flow to them, they may die off anyway.
i’m in so much pain - it feels like shattered glass in my back for much of the day. sometimes my hips burn like they did as they were forced apart during childbirth. sex is on old beach towels, with a spray bottle of hydrogen peroxide within reach. then there’s the things that bother only my ego: the wilty hair, the mushy jawline, and little belly pooch that’s dogged me for the past few months.
and yet, every other month, by my best estimation, there’s been sweet ovulation, and a throb in my chest where my nipples remember. i’m so fucking scared that will go away right as I finally have learned to turn towards it. blood on my thighs means i’m living, fucking. and barren is such a cunt of a word.
maria has breast cancer, aggressive, triple negative, but early-ish. friday she starts chemotherapy. then, at some point, she’ll have a mastectomy. I feel like I'm watching from somewhere outside myself. i want grip everyone by the collar and shake: this should be rote by now. it’s just the other shoe dropping, as shoes do. suck it up. we’ve been here before. of course you’re changed forever. of course people see cancer now. you are cancer now. suck it up. this isn’t special. you aren’t special. you aren’t fucking special. you’ll live.
brains are so fucking good at protecting us from the things we don’t want to face. protecting us from confronting the reality that watching our parents eventually die is far more terrifying than dying ourselves. because some of us were under the impression we would die first. not usher our parents from whatever this is to the inevitable nothing. your aren't fucking special. you’ll die.
Letter to my attorney:
In late October 2012, during my annual appointment with my gynecologist (Dr. Jan Rydfors in Redwood City, California) I inquired about having my tubes tied. I have a somewhat complicated medical history (Hodgkin's lymphoma in 1999 and a double mastectomy in April 2012) and I wanted permanent birth control, since I was done having children. Dr. Rydfors strongly recommended the Essure and described it to me as a much simpler procedure than tubal ligation, with the same end result. I was not advised of any potential side effects or told that Essure contains nickel (which I am allergic to).
I had Essure placed in early November of 2012. I consented to have Dr. Rydfors demonstrate the procedure to another doctor and several nurses who had not seen the procedure before. To my recollection there were at least six people in the room.
Since November of 2012 I have experienced a multitude of side effects (listed below). Between 2013 and 2017, I had several appointments with Dr. Rydfors where I voiced my concerns. He consistently told me that the Essure could absolutely not be the cause of any of my problems.
In 2017 I consulted with Dr. Gordon Rosenburg (Los Gatos, CA) about the possibility of having a partial hysterectomy to remove my Essure. He agreed that it was advisable. Due to a heart episode during an unrelated surgery (revision of mastectomy reconstruction) the hysterectomy was delayed.
In April 2018, after changing insurance carriers, I established with my current gynecologist, Dr. Qin Zhao (Campbell, CA). In June 2018 she ordered a vaginal ultrasound and endometrial biopsy, to rule out any abnormalities; everything came back normal. In July 2018 Dr. Zhao placed a Mirena IUD to see if it would alleviate any of my symptoms and as a last, less invasive option before a hysterectomy.
Since November 2012 I have experienced the following, which I had not experienced prior to the Essure placement: severe pelvic floor pain, abnormal periods, spotting/bleeding between periods, heavy bleeding during periods, heavy bleeding during and after intercourse, chronic back pain, severe bloating, metallic taste in mouth, anxiety, hair loss, dry skin, excessive sweating, weight gain, worsening thyroid issues. I am currently being treated with Armour Thyroid, Prozac, Xanax, and Nabumetone.
have i mentioned that these feel and behave almost like REAL BOOBS? i could cry. i can't believe it. i'm not getting my hopes up because i know some of this is just swelling but there's fat in there that squishes first post-op appointment is friday morning.
left/top: day five, 2012 right/bottom: day five, 2017
i fucking hate this goddamn itchy compression garment posing as some magic underwear. i hate the zippers and the way it bends and creases right under my ribcage. i hate the sweet relief of taking it off and then having to put it right back on. i hate the feeling of it up my spine after a heavy night of sleep. i hate that the designer of this garment had the forethought to put a hole in the crotch so that even when i'm peeing i don't get to take it off.
for once, right boob is more...agitated and swollen!
i'm focusing on breast pictures today cause parker is out of town and i don't want to traumatize lorenzo by making him photograph my under-butt. parker is already weird, and back tomorrow so look forward to more photos of my bruisy undercarriage. it's alternately feeling just bruised and sore and pins and needles heat.
if things were to heal, basically as they are, on top and bottom, i'd be so much more satisfied with the result than i was last time. these breasts move around like real boobs, can be mooshed together, and have a weight that feels human. it's a vaguely familiar feeling, and i like it.
