wherein some asshole from highschool mansplains

  • Celeste Flores okay, i took a deep breath. i'm sure you didn't intend that the way it sounded Josh but as grateful as i am for all the joys in my life some days i don't feel like i got such a great deal when i get these statements in the mail. i got cancer at 16 (through no fault of my own) and the treatment that was used to *cure* me put me at very high risk for lots of other cancers (among other costly things like heart disease, thyroid problems, cognitive issues among others). the way i see it i have two shitty choices: have NO health coverage (and pay thousands and thousand out of pocket for my annual healthcare) or pay a rate that is significantly higher than most everyone else's so that i can STILL pay thousands and thousands for healthcare. of COURSE my life is worth $750 dollars a month. my insurance company got an $68,000 discount on that bill. you know what i would have paid? $92,115.57. there has GOT to be a better way.
  • Michael James Clark Pro-tip: don't tell people with absurd insurance rates because they had the misfortune of getting cancer by no fault of their own that they "got a deal". Unless you mean a "shitty" deal. Then go for it.
  • 11 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Josh Nudelman Don't split hairs: your unlucky to have had cancer. No doubt about it. But you're very very lucky to be alive! ...and for $750/month!? Most people pay double that for a mortgage! A mortgage is worth less than a life... I see that, in respect from the value that you are getting from your money, as getting a great deal.
  • 7 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Josh Nudelman You're unlucky that this happened to you. That's one thing. You're lucky to have gotten treatment. And I think you got a lot of bang for your buck. Your a smart crafty individual and you will be able to pay this $ back. It's the best investment in term of return on investment. From that perspective, you are lucky to have the opportunity to get treatment for services rendered.
  • 7 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Erin Brennan Outrageous - I wonder why the operating room cost is so much? (Or any of it, really.)
  • Trying to put money and the value of life together in one sentence is like trying to mix oil and water with a fork.
  • I'm glad you're here and I'm all for you staying a good, long time. :)
  • Josh Nudelman When you have the opportunity to pay money for something that is priceless, you have something special.
  • 4 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Josh Nudelman You've been blessed with so many people who love you and opportunities like this that so many others go without. Don't look at this price tag as a curse: it's a blessing. I believe you are the strong role model your friends see in you.
  • 3 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Josh Nudelman Please believe this is a blessing and let it empower you to not be a victim but to be the true captain of your destiny because that is the true reflection of the strength and determination in your heart that we all see.
  • 3 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Josh Nudelman If you accept the premise that your life is not worth $750/month and you're being financially victimized, you take power away from yourself and I can not bear that. I am not your close friend and I don't know the intimate details of your life, but I see your love and strength and am in awe of it. And I don't want to see you any other way.
  • 3 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Josh Nudelman You're justified either way you want to look at it, but when you refuse to be a victim, you exceed the expectations of the victim, and that is your true identity in my eyes.
  • 2 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Celeste Flores I appreciate the sentiment of your statements and understand better what you were trying to say. I don't consider this heroism and I'm certainly not playing the victim card. My whole point in posting this isn't to whine about how this is affecting me financially. I can survive the financial burden. But not everyone can. And nobody should be forced to put a monetary value on their life. There is something very very wrong with the system. My point was political not personal.
  • about an hour ago via mobile · Like
  • Josh Nudelman You are an example of how the system can work. Ordinary people can do extra ordinary things if they are empowered to.
  • 23 minutes ago via mobile · Like
  • Josh Nudelman It is only logical to conclude that people need not be forced to do good things.

the one where i have new foobs. again. or: only the good die young.

so yeah, my surgery apparently went well. i had it done at menlo surgical hospital instead of stanford this time and the place was like a fucking hotel. amazing. danny and dad came with me and the whole thing was mellow and relaxed. we got there at 8:30, surgery started at 9:45 (early!) and i think i was at home in bed by 2:30 or so. i am feeling MUCH less affected by the anesthesia (not surprising, i was out for about 2 hours instead of 6 this time) which is nice. that said, since i wasn't completely knocked on my ass i completely overdid it the first five days. i took myself off of pain medication (narcotics after two days and then ibuprofin/tylenol three days ago) so that i self-limit my activity because i actually am sore. more sore in many ways than after the mastectomy which is surprising, or maybe it's just that i forgot that the other surgery hurt. there are apparently three internal layers of stitches under my armpits to create the foob pocket, hopefully preventing them from wandering outward from the downward, and outward, pressure of my chest muscles. i'm feeling soreness/burning under there and at the incision sites, with occasional stabby or spasmy pains. took a valium the last two nights for that.

so yeah, i apparently spent a shit-ton of time researching what taking boobs out would be like and almost no time researching what having perma-foobs put back in would be like. i woke up from my surgery and was absolutely homicidal because i looked down and thought i had small B cups. apparently reconstructed-cohesive-gel-sub-muscular implants change over time. i expected to come out looking like a barbie doll. or like someone who had just had a boob job. derp. i can already see changes since earlier in the week. i guess the muscles will relax and give me a more natural look. i never thought i'd be excited to see my breasts sag a bit but on tuesday i was seriously mourning the loss of my expanders. 

why the hell are my pec muscles so veiny? seriously, i have terrible circulation from chemo. did all my veins reroute to my foob skin? ANYway. see how much closer they are? way better. fyi, these are one week post op. having some of that lovely swelling in the armpits again - buttpits?teardrop foobs are apparently pretty round to start. but note that the top 'pole' is a lot less full and sticky-outy? scar is almost identical but even cleaner than before on the right foob. only glue and tape on on the incision. aaaand ALB is angrier as always. i'm hoping that crinkly part on the outer edge is just from the tape not being smooth. dr. mcswoony fixed the incision on this side since as you'll recall the right side was beautiful and the this side was um, done by edward scissorhands or something. in any case i can feel there is improvement. here is the lovely surgical bra (vest?!)  i've been wearing for the past 8 days. i still am not sure of the purpose but it is the BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. i fucking hate this thing. mainly because the band along the bottom has some elastic in it that i'm allergic to and it sticks to the tape on my sutures. fuck this bra. that said, it forces my foobs together and creates a bit of cleavage. :)

whoops. sorry, we bought an ice cream shop.

summer got away from me and incredibly, at least in terms of the kids, is over tomorrow. lorenzo starts first grade. parker, third. *jaw* life has been mostly consumed with work (more on that later). and incredibly my exchange surgery is less than three weeks away. so here's some foob update pictures at 103 days post mastectomy.

still round and huge. further busted the pocket on ALB and it's continued to wander more and more to my armpit. scar isn't too bad. color is evening out. aaaand, barely smug at all anymore. drain scars are healing well-ish. the left side will probably need more work during my surgery on the 7th as the pocket needs to be tightened up. i've asked for my implants to be placed more towards the center to create a *bit* of cleavage. fleeeeex. underboob.

bob redux

in the past month i've referred two people to bob (the therapist that rory and i saw). i remain convinced that none of those sessions were wasted on me/us. in spite of the outcome, it was money well spent. but it's weird, because in looking back at those old posts i cannot believe how much things have changed. it's like reading a work of fiction, or an autobiography of someone else's life. i don't recognize myself in that time. i don't recognize rory. i cannot remember what it felt like to be so completely and constantly terrified. i can't remember what it felt like to desperately want to fix things with rory and to hate him so much at the same time.

i visited with j3n today (yes, of snake & butterfly (she's moving to portland and the kids were good friends so we visited, okay?)) and she asked me how things with rory have been. good. really really good. i like him as one of the fathers to my children. and i like him as a human being again. i actually went out of my way to have lunch with him the other day. there's a strange level of comfort between him and i. and i suppose none of that would be possible without the strange and incredible level of comfort with danny and summer too. i genuinely hope that he's happy. i hope that we stay happy. i hope for shared holidays and vacations. it does get better. imagine that. 

so...valium?

after telling mara that i'm concerned that i'm getting attached to my expanders a couple days ago (and worried that i'll be upset when it's time for my swaperroo) i find myself uncomfortable in a new way. namely, i've been sleeping on my left side and causing the inner edge (towards the midline) of my foob to dig into my ribs. it's feeling bruised and uncomfortable. i took a valium a couple of nights ago but i'm pretty sure that just knocked me out so badly that i slept even more heavily on ALB. i've been feeling groggy and out of it this week. can't sleep enough...healing?