swapping the kids at the dollar tree seems to have done the trick. we met inside today. p was allowed to pick 'anything she wants' with her $1 paycheck (for helping while i'm writing test questions or we're working on chocolate stuff). so far she's purchased a giant blow up killer whale for the pool and a disney princess mylar helium balloon. it's a distract-y kind of place and well worth the dollar to not have the tears. somehow transitions coming home have become horrific though. both the kids have had a really hard time going to sleep and are whiny/cry-y in bed for 15 - 60 minutes. ugh.
and then tonight parker, trying to procrastinate, begs bk to come in because she doesn't want him to go, after he is already in the car and driving away. he indulges her and it turns into a big mess wherein he tells her that maybe she can spend the night on monday. i'm immediately sick and mean and ready to undermine him but i'm being calm and (outwardly) reasonable and trying to just shut the fuck up. but all the ugly thoughts of oh sure, swoop back in and make promises. gloat all you want but she'll call me at bedtime and want to come home. and come to find out he's already told her that she can sleep in their bed, the three of them (him, p and miss bk) together while in all these months i've climbed in bed with her. which is worse, that he means it or that he'll flake? that he brings it up to her and doesn't consult me first? is it a one time deal? what happened to the fancy two bedroom so that the kids can have their own room? oh yeah, rented out. and he tells her (in my presence) that he'll 'talk to mama about it.' and if i say 'no'? i'm the bad guy? he'll fight me? but we're not ready. how about a little stability first?
i didn't have kids so that i could share them. i didn't sign up for part-time parenthood. i thought this was the whole shebang. and then, when i had to start to wrap my mind around all this bullshit i tried to play up the positives like hey, d and i could get a hotel in sf for a night on the town! that'd be cool and grownup-y and the best of both worlds right? we could sleep in! but this is the shitty worst of both. i get a sleepless night to worry and miss and stew and i still get to get up early with lorenzo. i'm just mean and angry and ugly and scared. this is the part i was sure could wait.
and then tonight parker, trying to procrastinate, begs bk to come in because she doesn't want him to go, after he is already in the car and driving away. he indulges her and it turns into a big mess wherein he tells her that maybe she can spend the night on monday. i'm immediately sick and mean and ready to undermine him but i'm being calm and (outwardly) reasonable and trying to just shut the fuck up. but all the ugly thoughts of oh sure, swoop back in and make promises. gloat all you want but she'll call me at bedtime and want to come home. and come to find out he's already told her that she can sleep in their bed, the three of them (him, p and miss bk) together while in all these months i've climbed in bed with her. which is worse, that he means it or that he'll flake? that he brings it up to her and doesn't consult me first? is it a one time deal? what happened to the fancy two bedroom so that the kids can have their own room? oh yeah, rented out. and he tells her (in my presence) that he'll 'talk to mama about it.' and if i say 'no'? i'm the bad guy? he'll fight me? but we're not ready. how about a little stability first?
i didn't have kids so that i could share them. i didn't sign up for part-time parenthood. i thought this was the whole shebang. and then, when i had to start to wrap my mind around all this bullshit i tried to play up the positives like hey, d and i could get a hotel in sf for a night on the town! that'd be cool and grownup-y and the best of both worlds right? we could sleep in! but this is the shitty worst of both. i get a sleepless night to worry and miss and stew and i still get to get up early with lorenzo. i'm just mean and angry and ugly and scared. this is the part i was sure could wait.