this isn't about making myself look like the unequivocal best, the all-around michael phelps of motherhood. this is about me writing myself through this situation like i've always done. and it's also become about showing you all what it really looks and feels like to become a single mom, about showing you that it's offensive at times. i can tell myself that acting with integrity, (deciding to do that the moment my dad said that word 18 months ago) and thinking with integrity are two different things. and i hope i'm brave enough to expose myself for who i really am and i hope that it validates for someone somewhere that what they've felt isn't just unsightly but gritty and real and a common experience. so somebody bear witness.
so the ugly truth is that yes, sometimes i do want to act on double standards. some days i want to be anywhere but with screaming kids and then, the second they are gone i feel panicky and not like myself. sometimes i wish i could dole out the punishment for him cheating (and yes, that still fucking hurts after almost two years and though i'm deeply in love with d) and i think the worst punishment would be miss p asking someone other than her father to walk her down the aisle or 'renzo asking for advice from another man. and yes, i think it's horribly horribly unfair that he went to italy and hawaii and who knows where else while i'm scrambling to pay the rent. it feels like a tug of war. (back to add more nastiness in the morning fwiw) but none of this is me. it's part of me. and some of what i think. but it isn't me.
so the ugly truth is that yes, sometimes i do want to act on double standards. some days i want to be anywhere but with screaming kids and then, the second they are gone i feel panicky and not like myself. sometimes i wish i could dole out the punishment for him cheating (and yes, that still fucking hurts after almost two years and though i'm deeply in love with d) and i think the worst punishment would be miss p asking someone other than her father to walk her down the aisle or 'renzo asking for advice from another man. and yes, i think it's horribly horribly unfair that he went to italy and hawaii and who knows where else while i'm scrambling to pay the rent. it feels like a tug of war. (back to add more nastiness in the morning fwiw) but none of this is me. it's part of me. and some of what i think. but it isn't me.