the weepies

i can't explain all these feelings that are coming up after the fact. i'm more scared now than i was before the surgery. i suppose this is one of those highly-medicated-for-many-days bad days that i read about on so many other mastectomy blogs. i am not regretting having the surgery at all. i am fully okay with the no nipple thing. i am fascinated, not disgusted, by how things look because i know they will only look better over time. i went out tonight with a sports bra and chicken cutlets (to smooth out my extremely lumpy look); aside from the drain bulges no one would suspect a thing. i'm not even particularly uncomfortable. the pressure, deep breath pain has been replaced with occasional short and sharp (what i assume is) nerve regeneration pain in odd and sometime unidentifiable places. i have no sensation whatsoever on my skin; it's seriously like touching someone else's body.

but then there are these moments (one was an upside-down hair washing moment today) when i find myself crying, in a sobbing and sincere (but pathetic) way, like my heart has been broken. and i can't say exactly why. i was so happy to be feeling clean and self-sufficient in a little way and yet i felt devastated in a way i haven't felt since rory left. and now that i see it written, maybe that's part of it. just like my pregnancy with lorenzo i did something that is strictly female (but that ultimately reads as strong and brave   (bleh hate that stfu) and NOT feminine) that required help but that could also not be adequately explained or shared to or with my partner. and it scares me that like rory, danny is feeling burdened and isolated at the same time, or inadequate and overwhelmed. and ready to bolt. i keep telling myself that i have no real evidence to support that, it's not his style, he complains when he's unhappy instead of stuffing it down and suffering in silence (god there is never silence around here). but fuck if a man can leave you with a three month old a man can certainly leave you after you've had your tits chopped off, especially for a woman with tits that are already beautiful and come with nipples.

on the other hand i reason that it could be the opposite, that this scared him. that he does love me. that he's afraid to touch me because he doesn't want to hurt me. that he wants me to be strong and okay and in his stubborn man way he wants to be the one that can teach me how to be that way, because he hasn't figured out yet that I AM strong and okay. and shit if he didn't actually water the lawn today... please let it be the latter.

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see? i look human when bathed, clothed and not high!

okay so i lied

my plan was to post again yesterday and then i became unconscious or something. honestly the strangest part of all this is that i cannot keep in my head for more than 5 seconds what day it is or who i saw or talked to or what i ate or wtf.

so here's what i can and cannot do 9 days, 1 hour, 35 minutes post surgery (sorry, i love that effing date duration calculator).

  • i can put a load of laundry in the wash and take one out of the dryer.
  • i cannot easily take a wet load of laundry out of the washer and put it in the dryer - derp!
  • i cannot drive or ride my bike, i am completely reliant on other people to get me of the goddam house. ran out of cream? beg your ex-husband to pick some up for you. 
  • i can use my arms fairly well: up high enough to do a ponytail, straight out from my sides, but anything that involves pushing (using pec muscles) no way, nada. for some reason my right arm is way more mobile than my left. doesn't seem to be related to being right handed. hurts my right pec area. weird
  • i can't vacuum. FRICK.
  • i can finally go to the bathroom. thank you anesthesia and narcotics. no actually, thank you prunes, prune juice, colace, et al
  • i can't fucking shower. that's right, the stupid form that the doctors gave me before the surgery said "shower away! feel awesome! be beautiful! smell good!" or something like that. and then, at discharge they're like, hell no, do not under any circumstances get any of that shit between your armpits and your belly button wet. 
  • i can take a very complicated bath that involves wrapping much of my torso in saran wrap, filling up the tub with about four inches of water and washing/shaving everything below my belly button and then sit in the shower seat with the sprayer thingy and wash my hair upsidedownlike and wash my pits and arms with a washcloth being careful not to get my incisions wet. and it takes an hour and fuck i'm tired.
  • i can climb a short flight of stairs with a great deal of huffing and puffing. 
  • i can sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.
  • i can reveal my breasts to literally everyone that i have seen in the past 9 days without embarrassment. i can also coerce them into touching the weird pokey-out parts of the expanders whether they want or not.

7 days post op - MORE GROSS PICS

slightly more lucid at the moment. forgot to mention that i had a major allergic reaction to all the bandages that i had and they were thankfully removed, hence the pictures of me free boobing it yesterday. the bad news is that the drains were supposed to be taken out yesterday but won't be out until monday. more of a pain in the ass than an actual pain. one side leaks badly where it goes into my skin. today dad took me to get some ramen at our favorite place (stir crazy much?) and it leaked all over my button up shirt. looked like my milk let down in waaayyy the wrong place. cool beans.

these are photos from yesterday, i'm gonna put pics up every day therefore there will be a double post today as i am sort of soberish and catching up.

druggy smile. jackson pratt drains one & two! happy-ish right boob with dangly stitch. ugly left boob that i'm told by three people looks to be "healing nicely!" happy non-leaky left drain. weird leaky drain all angry about extra tape (hence the bruising & burning). i don't know, maybe i'll just keep 'em this way...?

6 days post op - seriously unattractive photos to follow

i'm serious. i'm giving you a warning now, the bandages came off. it looks weird and wrinkly. and i'm still on lots of pain meds so i have very little to share except these graphic pictures. i remember that the iv morphine made me super itchy and that i stayed an extra night in the hospital. the second night sucked and was painful. the percocet and valium are managing things pretty okay here at home. drains are still in and will be until at least next monday. they aren't terrible. i can't take a traditional shower but karen got me a shower seat and adjustable shower thingy and mara washed my hair today. anyway, onward to the gross!

artsy fartsy drainy. angry boobs, very very very angry. less from the surgery and more from the mother fucking tape i am so goddamn allergic to! blargh! left boob, no nipple despite my doubts. purply under-boob lines are part cuts and part pens. slightly less angry right boob with pretty blue ribbons. thank god this isn't the final result! side view. dimple in between no-nip and pen?saggy butt boob? pokey out corner of the expander?

1-4 days post op - morphine, percocet, valium oh my (BOOB PICS)

the past few days are a total haze to me. i'm high but comfortable. from what i recall the hospital was uneventful. the first night was blissful (thank you morphine), the second (unplanned) night was very painful as they tried to manage my oral meds. first night home was barfy and headachy now i'm on a steady stream of oxy and valium which is keeping things pretty well under control. drains are less irritating than i thought, maybe because i was used to the hickman. i can sleep on my side a bit though the right side it leaking some.

buh-buh boobies. and away we go! ta-da! that's no breast tissue + expanders + 50cc's of saline. exhausting. danny on the boob tube, me ordering food, and texting a mere two hours after surgery. stoned perhaps? drain exit! I still don't believe that there isn't a nipple under there. apparently i have to wait for the steri-strip to come off to know for sure. first Lorenzo was terrified to get near me. not p... and finally, the way to my heart: nutter butter bites. these little tasties stave off nausea when taking a huge cocktail of prescription medications, even in the middle of the night. fyi: they can be found in the dollar section of target. just sayin'...