teardrop or round? silicone or saline? big or ridiculously big? tattoo nipples or sticker nipples or no nipples? and if tattoo, nipple tattoos or peace signs? there are advantages to no nipples - i could go braless in the cold! would i be able to stand upright with boobs like sofia vergara's? how often will they have to be replaced? will i still need regular screening? my internet history must look like a fifteen year old boy's. will this decrease my health insurance cost? will mike try to motorboat me? oh! oh! oh! recovery is *another* awesome use for my adjustable tempurpedic bed! how much time will i realistically need in bed after the initial surgery? will danny barf emptying my drains? am i gonna have to have JIM do it? is the expander thing pretty much an assured part of this? will i mourn this? i didn't mourn my hair loss, but it came back... finally (not finally) what the crap is up with rory? i'm so confused.
last night when i got home from work (danny was at school, rory was at my house with the kids) rory was kind of pouty and arms crossed across chest. 'so, you're going to have this mastectomy huh?' yes. is this something you want to talk about? 'well, are you SURE you're going to do it? it's not a decision that you're making? i mean, you've DECIDED?' well, unless my doctor has a compelling reason NOT to, then yes, i've decided. 'then i guess there's nothing to talk about.' all huffy! wait, WHAT? if i wasn't so confused i might have been irritated. but WHAT? you, my ex-husband, who always shrugs and says 'i trust you' when it comes to parenting decisions, object to me choosing a relatively simple (not painless, but fairly uncomplicated) surgery that will lower my risk of breast cancer by at LEAST 90%, if not significantly more? huh? for some reason i didn't say hey, i appreciate your concern but this is really none of your business and instead said would you like to talk about this so that maybe you can feel more comfortable with my decision? and i'll spare you the exact back and forth but his relentless opposition went something like this: 'there is no good reason to have an unnecessary surgery. ever. what is the exact statistical probability of you getting breast cancer? what about other cancers? so are you just going to have your lungs and thyroid and ovaries removed too? you can STILL get breast cancer, you know, even after. can't implants make you more likely to get cancer? why don't you just wait until you DO get breast cancer and THEN have them removed? what if you change your mind? what if your feelings change? you don't know how you'll feel. i don't understand. this is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than a brca gene diagnosis. if I was in your position- 'ah but you see, therein lies the rub; he isn't in my position. and i kindly reminded him that his father (in all seriousness) told us when we were 15 that at some point he would go into the woods and shoot himself if his degenerative (hereditary) nerve disorder progressed beyond a certain point, all the while drinking and smoking and generally hurrying up the process. and rory, by his own admission (who is likely to have similar problems) is living a lifestyle that will hasten the process of his own degeneration. this is so polar to what i've grown up with you can't imagine. but, that is none of my business any more. so while i'd hope that he'd choose to live healthfully, in order that he may spend as much time with our kids as possible, i have NO RIGHT to tell him a goddamn thing. and likewise. so what's the punch line? has his family's cultural ideal of 'live fast, die young' seeped so deeply into him by now that he cannot imagine anything else? is he simply afraid that i'll die in surgery and leave him to parent littles alone (which SO wouldn't be the case anyway)? does he *gasp* care about me? didn't see this one coming.