thirteen things that are fucking hard about being a mom, even after almost 8 years
1) seeing them experience humiliation/shame. this is more difficult for me to endure than pain or sadness or grief or anger or any other emotion that is ALSO hard to deal with. is this just me? maybe it's that shame conveys such finality; it cannot be redone or gotten over or re-framed easily. sadness and anger fade over time and you wonder how your feelings were ever so intense. shame swells up with the same vigor, even years later.
2) barf. i've never been a believer that i'll "feel better after i throw up." i can count on two hands how many times i've thrown up in (almost) thirty years. i avoid it at any cost. i threw up not one time during chemo. and i've cried every time that I have vomited. i've become convinced that i'm not going to live to see the end of a bad stomach flu. i've begged to be killed from the bathroom floor in the middle of the night. unfortunately, my strong stomach has not extended to my daughter. she's a champion barfer with an approximately 80% hit-the-toilet/bowl success rate. and yet, i become a homicidal when my children throw up. thankfully it's typically at rory (who is not present on these occasions) has perhaps received 3AM texts along the lines "you mother-fucking-asshole-dickbag who impregnated me with these demon monsters from hell. you are so goddamn lucky you aren't here to clean this up but fuck you, you can be awake to feel my pain."
3) tangly hair that leads to moaning during hygiene assaults. i have no patience for it. i'm sorry, i myself have a tough scalp and don't yelp like a whipped puppy as i brush my own hair. neither of you hellions should either.
4) following through on withdrawn privileges in the face of a hysterical 5 year old boy who is saying "i'm so sorry mama. i'll never do it again! i'm so sorry! you are the best mama ever! i'm SO sorry! please don't take away my barbies!"
5) seeing other children be mean and/or reject my children.