this post began to to manifest itself last friday when we were up in arnold. the specifics aren't really important but something happened with d that at first, made me feel defensive and mean and cry-y, and then made me feel spill-y and relieved and impressed (again) by d's ability to listen, process, internalize, and change. was that vague enough for you? in actuality though, d is little more than a catalyst in this story. i think...
parker is strange. a worrier. very very smart. and complicated and perceptive and prolific. but completely uncoordinated, except in the water where she's currently excelling at the backstroke, with no instruction whatsoever. she likes to let her hair hang down all stringy-like in her face. she mastered the fish-eye at a very young age. she puts her fingers or her necklace in her mouth when she's nervous, and she's nervous a lot. she's extremely slow to warm but quick to turn on you if she thinks you've crossed her. she has a fierce sweet tooth but seems to be able to go days on end without eating much of anything at all. she nursed until i thought my boobs were gonna fall off. she's not particularly fond of competition, at least when she knows she's being watched. she cannot pose naturally for a photograph to save her life but always looks beautiful and silly in candid shots. she's prone to hysteria and whining. she's incredibly gentle with animals but likes to tackle her brother and steal his toy/blanket/fork/insert-anything-he-might-have-in-his-paws-here. she's both clingy and un-cuddly at the same time. she's so...parker. she's sometimes very hard to love, though i love her so much that sometimes i think i'll die from it.
since r left i've been driven by two contradictory fears: the fear of losing her (in a vague and concrete ways) to her father and the fear of him rejecting her for all the reasons he rejected me, for her unfortunate likeness to me. (for these reasons, the ever-ready-to-snuggle lorenzo has been easier to love.) the terrifying reality of losing miss p has won out most days and has seemed more real than losing 'renzo, who until recently, has been of very little interest to his father. (plus, i've always thought of parker as ours (afterall, she was SUCH a daddy's girl the first two years of her life) and lorenzo as mine. like, hey, i've got squatter's rights to this kid.) but this is just now. who can say how he'll feel about her in the future? certainly he's noticed that miss p is more 'difficult' than her brother.
i'm unsure of how to handle my guilt for these thoughts and feelings about parker, her future. the guilt i feel in having failed her by not being feminine/docile/outgoing enough for her father to stay (though to be clear, i'm glad he didn't). the guilt for somehow passing on the genetics that one day may make her too much like me. the other night, for a moment, i talked to r, through d, let myself believe it was him and that as d, he'd know the right answers (he did). you love her right? you don't think she's too strange to love do you? do you? did i really mean: you love me right? i'm not too strange to love? we're not too strange to love? and which is worse: that r left because i wasn't enough? or because she was too much?
parker is strange. a worrier. very very smart. and complicated and perceptive and prolific. but completely uncoordinated, except in the water where she's currently excelling at the backstroke, with no instruction whatsoever. she likes to let her hair hang down all stringy-like in her face. she mastered the fish-eye at a very young age. she puts her fingers or her necklace in her mouth when she's nervous, and she's nervous a lot. she's extremely slow to warm but quick to turn on you if she thinks you've crossed her. she has a fierce sweet tooth but seems to be able to go days on end without eating much of anything at all. she nursed until i thought my boobs were gonna fall off. she's not particularly fond of competition, at least when she knows she's being watched. she cannot pose naturally for a photograph to save her life but always looks beautiful and silly in candid shots. she's prone to hysteria and whining. she's incredibly gentle with animals but likes to tackle her brother and steal his toy/blanket/fork/insert-anything-he-might-have-in-his-paws-here. she's both clingy and un-cuddly at the same time. she's so...parker. she's sometimes very hard to love, though i love her so much that sometimes i think i'll die from it.
since r left i've been driven by two contradictory fears: the fear of losing her (in a vague and concrete ways) to her father and the fear of him rejecting her for all the reasons he rejected me, for her unfortunate likeness to me. (for these reasons, the ever-ready-to-snuggle lorenzo has been easier to love.) the terrifying reality of losing miss p has won out most days and has seemed more real than losing 'renzo, who until recently, has been of very little interest to his father. (plus, i've always thought of parker as ours (afterall, she was SUCH a daddy's girl the first two years of her life) and lorenzo as mine. like, hey, i've got squatter's rights to this kid.) but this is just now. who can say how he'll feel about her in the future? certainly he's noticed that miss p is more 'difficult' than her brother.
i'm unsure of how to handle my guilt for these thoughts and feelings about parker, her future. the guilt i feel in having failed her by not being feminine/docile/outgoing enough for her father to stay (though to be clear, i'm glad he didn't). the guilt for somehow passing on the genetics that one day may make her too much like me. the other night, for a moment, i talked to r, through d, let myself believe it was him and that as d, he'd know the right answers (he did). you love her right? you don't think she's too strange to love do you? do you? did i really mean: you love me right? i'm not too strange to love? we're not too strange to love? and which is worse: that r left because i wasn't enough? or because she was too much?