i changed. when i went through cancer (and subsequently my mom's separation/divorce from my abusive step-father) i think i became more cynical, more judgmental, more uptight. people kept asking me if in this near death experience i'd found god. pfft. um, no. but i did find sarcasm, a 'someday you're gonna get slapped for saying something like that out loud', a bitchy pigeon hole that suited me. i think i've been known as bossy and acerbic and unable to keep from running my mouth. i was really fucking aggressive and i found it easy to be morally superior, particularly around my extended family, where i felt like this was my role. i played this part effortlessly. my dad sums it all up by saying i was a young republican. ha! that's a huge insult in this family.
and in the past 20 months, somehow i've changed again... when bk left the bottom of me fell out. i was willing to do anything and everything to save my marriage, my family. not feminine enough? stillettos and painted nails in therapy, done! too controlling? you tell me when what where how and with who! (just found this from april 2007 'in fact, one of the main reasons he said that he left was that i was too strong, too able to ask for what i need.' too able to ask for what i need? wtf?) bad in bed? i can learn! feel like cheating on me for a while? i'll wait around! and then, after all these superficial things, stupid changes, when he didn't come home, when there was never really a decision to be made in the first place, i was left without him and with just a changed me. for several months, i found myself erring on the side of passive, really really passive. really accepting, really letting bk take shits on my front porch, really accomodating to all his bullshit. (okay, so i'm still working on this one.)
coughing my brains out. bb in the morning.
and in the past 20 months, somehow i've changed again... when bk left the bottom of me fell out. i was willing to do anything and everything to save my marriage, my family. not feminine enough? stillettos and painted nails in therapy, done! too controlling? you tell me when what where how and with who! (just found this from april 2007 'in fact, one of the main reasons he said that he left was that i was too strong, too able to ask for what i need.' too able to ask for what i need? wtf?) bad in bed? i can learn! feel like cheating on me for a while? i'll wait around! and then, after all these superficial things, stupid changes, when he didn't come home, when there was never really a decision to be made in the first place, i was left without him and with just a changed me. for several months, i found myself erring on the side of passive, really really passive. really accepting, really letting bk take shits on my front porch, really accomodating to all his bullshit. (okay, so i'm still working on this one.)
coughing my brains out. bb in the morning.