Untie me, I've said no vows
The train is getting way too loud
I gotta leave here my girl
Get on with my lonely life
Just leave the ring on the rail
For the wheels to nullify
Until this turn in my head
I let you stay and you paid no rent
I spent twelve long months on the lam
That's enough sitting on the fence
For the fear of breaking dams
like everything, the last post isn't as simple as it seems. it is entirely true. except for when it isn't true. because it's also true that pushing forward with those emotions is easier than being hurt or scared or apathetic. because it's also true that the things that i felt in those first few days and weeks and months (the helplessness, the desperation, the raw heartbreak that i thought i could just weather or worse, write my way through) was the worst thing i'd ever been through. [fwiw, cancer had nothing on this. (there i felt at peace.) the deaths i'd seen have had nothing on this. (there i felt they were at peace.) i'd imagined the only thing worse would be to lose a child. and somehow this loss was tied up in the irrational and paralytic fear of losing them too. (holy fuck, the day after he left i sobbed and made him promise he would never take my babies from me.)]
this was a tornado of revelations and attacks on my character. this was rewriting history and moving on without me. this was watching his ties slowing trickle out of our closet. this was me clinging to his opinions on bathroom paint (this is still your home. you'll come home, won't you? dear god, please bring him home.) this was somehow happening backwards. i thought if anyone left it would be me. i thought if anyone turned cold and distant it would be me. (did i?) i thought that shouting (i'm a shouter) would make a difference. i thought that crying (but i'm not a crier) and begging (and not a beggar) and changing (or a changer) myself would make a difference. it didn't. i thought that i could get things back under my control. i couldn't. i tried. i resigned myself. i tried again. i resigned again. i tried really really really hard. i gave up. i let go.
and then, without me really noticing, things started to hurt less and less and i started to settle into this new self i'd become and i actually liked her better than the old self. and i stopped needing the kids to distract me from the reality of our situation. i started to consider the upsides of singledom (more closet space! rearranging crap without consulting anyone! painting my toenails at 2am!) i started to consider the things i'd narrowly escaped (passivity, good lord, passivity. years of alcoholism and adultery. stagnation.) i started to consider the things that i never knew i wanted. (to be my own boss. to be sort of maybe a tiny bit outgoing. to change.) all these things came together at once and wonderfully, right about the same time i met d. oy.
I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head
You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to the lonesome
Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there
It took me all of the year
To put the poison pill to your ear
But now I stand on honest ground, on honest ground
You want to fight for this love
But honey you cannot wrestle a dove
So baby it's clear
ooh. this guy seems fun and he isn't afraid of lactating women! and he's cute. really cute. and he seems fun. and he's a dad! and he's cuuuute. and it was fun. (and it continues to be fun.) and he was cute. (and continues to get cuter.) and i thought i can just have fun and be mellow and not have expectations and not get myself in over my head and not have to worry about being dumped and ooh, yay! but then he turned out not only to be fun and cute but also a real. live. human. being. who i have really come to care for. this is terrifically surprising to me. not because about a bajillion other don't find d equally charming and witty and wonderful. trust me, he should have a fan club. but because somehow my head and intuition let me get to this trusting place with someone a mere 38,976,965 seconds after bk left. (not counting anymore just love this thing!) i'm not asking for permanence or requiring perfecting of this man. i'm not asking for anything but respect of me as a real. live. human. being. and it's working. i'm not scared to move forward into the unknown. i'm not scared of the trickle of his clothes into my closet (and therefore the potential of the trickle out of my closet.) i'm not scared that this isn't 'meant to be.' or that he'll leave or cheat or call me unfeminine and bossy. this is indicative of who i believe he is (caring, honest, strong, not without opinions and dreams of his own). and also, of me.
how do people do this? how do people heal and move on? i remember someone in the single parenting forum on mdc telling me forever ago that i'd never believe where i'd be in a year. i can't. i can't believe i'm happy and trusting and setting myself up for another potential heartbreak but i'm so glad. people just put themselves out there over and over and there are no guarantees and maybe it'll work out and maybe it won't but surely, it'll turn out the way it was supposed to. but prolly not logically. :)
You want to jump and dance
But you sat on your hands
And lost your only chance
Go back to your hometown
Get your feet on the ground
And stop floating around
I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head
You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to used to the lonesome
Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there