this has been the week of discombobulation with the kids being sick and all the stuff that has had to be done in spite of illness and lazing around. p and 'renz are taking turns with their fevers, so one is always groggy/whiny/clingy and the other is going stir-crazy or just plain crazy. right now it's p knocked out with a fever of 101 and 'renzo singing and playing with his feet in bed next to me. (keep your goddamn toes off my computer, thankyouverymuch!)
i had intended to write a long post on sunday espousing the joys of hosting a dinner party in my little house but alas, staying up until 2 (or was is 4?) AM and drinking beer/wine and taking care of very sleepy kids derailed that idea. j&m, f&h&p, a&j, d&d2 were all here with us and boy did we miss you mike and austin and b. lots of cheese fondue and chocolate and giggling about things i hadn't thought about in so so so long. i'm glad i've loosened up. as it turns out, i CAN enjoy myself in social situations like these, when not being overpowered by a hyper-extroverted partner. i realized that i kept asking d what was wrong because he was being quiet...turns out he's an observer. bk only was quiet when he was pissed off at me or something (see: the last six months of our marriage). god help any partners/friends/anyoneiknow, i project every last detail of the bk fiasco onto them though i'm trying hard to talk/think through it before i crap up the situation(s).
sunday d and i spent the day with the three kids (hot tub and very cold swimming pool + playground in wet swimsuits + train table + pool table = trashy a la mode). d2 and parker get along really well. we kept finding the two of them cuddled up with books or plotting little disasters together. i'm trying to be careful not to fall in love with this little boy, but it's hard when you're already in mama mode not to take just "one more" into the fold. i can see how step-children could be complicated (i'm thinking years down the line people...not now, what else is new?) and half-siblings even more so. i was so sure that i wanted more kids, now i'm not so sure. they seem like such a liability to a relationship and i'd be so scared to risk going through this mess again with someone else. (watch me fall in love and have a dozen more. things never go according to plan anyway, right?) hello, iud!
bk seems to have gotten a straight job (as in, 9-5) which is good but i'm apprehensive because the whole thing seems a little sketchy. he was offered the position (in high tech sales, yay silicon valley) at the first interview, with absolutely no experience. it is salary plus commission and he's planning on keeping his evening bartending shifts. his time with the kids will be seriously limited although he's hardly seen them at all in the last three weeks anyway... today he called at 11.45 and told me he had picked up a shift and that he wouldn't be watching them tonight (gee, thanks for the ample warning). he came and got them for about two hours in the afternoon and seemed vaguely put out (confused?) by the fact that they are sick. he called and said: "uh, i think parker has a fever." okay, that makes sense. she's had one for the past few days...why don't you take her temp? "well, i don't have a thermometer." okay, i guess it doesn't really matter, i imagine that if you THINK she has a temp, she probably does. why don't you give her some motrin? "i don't have any." oh heavens me. what ever shall i do about something as overwhelming and confusing as that??? how about pawn them off on YOU again! gee, okay, sounds great 'cause i LOVe grading and/or making chocolate in the middle of the night when you bag on us overandoverandover again. thank god parenting doesn't count as work. BAH.
and has he not noticed or does he not care that there are these people in the kids' lives that really care about them a lot, that bring carrots and read books and bounce them and carry them and comfort them when he isn't there? is he okay with the fact that the sum total of all the aunties and uncles and grammies and papas is seriously surpassing any role he has played for the past year? does he feel let off the hook, some sense of relief at not having to try so hard or is he just that oblivious and wrapped up in his own crap?
i had intended to write a long post on sunday espousing the joys of hosting a dinner party in my little house but alas, staying up until 2 (or was is 4?) AM and drinking beer/wine and taking care of very sleepy kids derailed that idea. j&m, f&h&p, a&j, d&d2 were all here with us and boy did we miss you mike and austin and b. lots of cheese fondue and chocolate and giggling about things i hadn't thought about in so so so long. i'm glad i've loosened up. as it turns out, i CAN enjoy myself in social situations like these, when not being overpowered by a hyper-extroverted partner. i realized that i kept asking d what was wrong because he was being quiet...turns out he's an observer. bk only was quiet when he was pissed off at me or something (see: the last six months of our marriage). god help any partners/friends/anyoneiknow, i project every last detail of the bk fiasco onto them though i'm trying hard to talk/think through it before i crap up the situation(s).
sunday d and i spent the day with the three kids (hot tub and very cold swimming pool + playground in wet swimsuits + train table + pool table = trashy a la mode). d2 and parker get along really well. we kept finding the two of them cuddled up with books or plotting little disasters together. i'm trying to be careful not to fall in love with this little boy, but it's hard when you're already in mama mode not to take just "one more" into the fold. i can see how step-children could be complicated (i'm thinking years down the line people...not now, what else is new?) and half-siblings even more so. i was so sure that i wanted more kids, now i'm not so sure. they seem like such a liability to a relationship and i'd be so scared to risk going through this mess again with someone else. (watch me fall in love and have a dozen more. things never go according to plan anyway, right?) hello, iud!
bk seems to have gotten a straight job (as in, 9-5) which is good but i'm apprehensive because the whole thing seems a little sketchy. he was offered the position (in high tech sales, yay silicon valley) at the first interview, with absolutely no experience. it is salary plus commission and he's planning on keeping his evening bartending shifts. his time with the kids will be seriously limited although he's hardly seen them at all in the last three weeks anyway... today he called at 11.45 and told me he had picked up a shift and that he wouldn't be watching them tonight (gee, thanks for the ample warning). he came and got them for about two hours in the afternoon and seemed vaguely put out (confused?) by the fact that they are sick. he called and said: "uh, i think parker has a fever." okay, that makes sense. she's had one for the past few days...why don't you take her temp? "well, i don't have a thermometer." okay, i guess it doesn't really matter, i imagine that if you THINK she has a temp, she probably does. why don't you give her some motrin? "i don't have any." oh heavens me. what ever shall i do about something as overwhelming and confusing as that??? how about pawn them off on YOU again! gee, okay, sounds great 'cause i LOVe grading and/or making chocolate in the middle of the night when you bag on us overandoverandover again. thank god parenting doesn't count as work. BAH.
and has he not noticed or does he not care that there are these people in the kids' lives that really care about them a lot, that bring carrots and read books and bounce them and carry them and comfort them when he isn't there? is he okay with the fact that the sum total of all the aunties and uncles and grammies and papas is seriously surpassing any role he has played for the past year? does he feel let off the hook, some sense of relief at not having to try so hard or is he just that oblivious and wrapped up in his own crap?