well, i feel pretty good actually. i was relieved and amazed at how carefree and trusting and goofy and parker-ish p was and i got to enjoy her from afar. maybe she picked up on the fact that i was feeling comfortable and unselfconscious for the first time in a while. things were just very low key and nice. and nice is good.
one of the things i most miss about being partnered is just going out and doing things as a family without feeling frazzled trying to keep track of a crazy climbing/running toddler and a very demanding 3.5 year old. i've loved going out with amanda or austin because i feel like i'm driving a four wheeled vehicle with four wheels instead of a four wheeled vehicle with only three wheels, all wobbly and crap. (at home we're sort of a well oiled tricycle). it isn't about the relationship that exists between any two people but just a fluidity of movement that comes from "parenting" in a two on two fashion. one picks up where the other leaves off. i miss that, or the illusion of that in any case.
b mentioned that it's a shame for r that he's missing this stuff (any of it!) and my knee-jerk reaction was to say, "yeah, how sad." but then i realized that i have lost all capacity to feel sorry for him. i only have room left to feel sad for the kids. i don't care if he realizes it or not. i don't care unless it compels him to be more present therefore bettering the kids' life (theoretically) and therefore bettering my life.
more later...
one of the things i most miss about being partnered is just going out and doing things as a family without feeling frazzled trying to keep track of a crazy climbing/running toddler and a very demanding 3.5 year old. i've loved going out with amanda or austin because i feel like i'm driving a four wheeled vehicle with four wheels instead of a four wheeled vehicle with only three wheels, all wobbly and crap. (at home we're sort of a well oiled tricycle). it isn't about the relationship that exists between any two people but just a fluidity of movement that comes from "parenting" in a two on two fashion. one picks up where the other leaves off. i miss that, or the illusion of that in any case.
b mentioned that it's a shame for r that he's missing this stuff (any of it!) and my knee-jerk reaction was to say, "yeah, how sad." but then i realized that i have lost all capacity to feel sorry for him. i only have room left to feel sad for the kids. i don't care if he realizes it or not. i don't care unless it compels him to be more present therefore bettering the kids' life (theoretically) and therefore bettering my life.
more later...