i have been bolstered this past week by pep talks from friends and family, an appointment with bob, the lawyer appointment, parker's appointment with ina, a play date invitation with a new preschool friend, dinner with my high school mentor (and subsequently, friend) doug (thanks doug!), lunch with my in-laws (!) (out-laws? ex-laws?) and mostly my feeling that i've got my own life finally (see concert, chocolate, etc).
so i'm up right? right? i live/eat/sleep/dream chocolate (and all the emotion that goes along with that). except when i'm living/eating/sleeping/dreaming divorce. (somewhere in between chocolate and divorce dreams are the dreams of telling people i love them and having them look at me dumbly). sometimes i feel so completely discombobulated and out of it, kind of foggy, like i'm just going through the motions. i'll get in bed and realize that i've been successfully keeping the kids from killing each other but not really absorbing anything that's happened throughout the day. i'm existing in little snippets and mostly in my thoughts.
but somehow i have this sense that things are moving forward, that i'm getting further from "the bad thing" as my dad likes to call it (when he isn't swearing about kneecaps and whores! ha!)... i've made (and vocalized) a conscious decision to not let r's happiness, craziness, changed-ness, blame me-ness, et all, dictate my happiness. when i found out about his trip to italy i allowed myself 15 minutes of complete unadulterated rage (see this post) and then cut myself off. his happiness cannot take away from my happiness.
i have a very full life. my friendships are more complete and wonderful than they've been in years, or ever. i pay closer attention to myself. i'm learning what i really want in a home, in a partner, in a life. i'm not disregarding any of my thoughts or feelings. i'm not defined by my role in a relationship or by what anyone else says/thinks/feels about me. and i think that i'm happier now than i would have been had i been where i thought i wanted to be. (<-- re-read that, you'll get it). i realized that i'm looking forward to the holidays. holy shit, i'm looking forward to the holidays, even though they'll be so different than i thought i wanted them to be. i'm not scared in the ways i used to be scared. i remember lying in bed waiting for r to come home after work (little did i know...) and not being able to sleep because i thought we needed him to protect us (HA!). now that i'm the protector, i sleep better. i take comfort in knowing that everything is my responsibility and that, incredibly, i've got it all under control.
so i'm up right? right? i live/eat/sleep/dream chocolate (and all the emotion that goes along with that). except when i'm living/eating/sleeping/dreaming divorce. (somewhere in between chocolate and divorce dreams are the dreams of telling people i love them and having them look at me dumbly). sometimes i feel so completely discombobulated and out of it, kind of foggy, like i'm just going through the motions. i'll get in bed and realize that i've been successfully keeping the kids from killing each other but not really absorbing anything that's happened throughout the day. i'm existing in little snippets and mostly in my thoughts.
but somehow i have this sense that things are moving forward, that i'm getting further from "the bad thing" as my dad likes to call it (when he isn't swearing about kneecaps and whores! ha!)... i've made (and vocalized) a conscious decision to not let r's happiness, craziness, changed-ness, blame me-ness, et all, dictate my happiness. when i found out about his trip to italy i allowed myself 15 minutes of complete unadulterated rage (see this post) and then cut myself off. his happiness cannot take away from my happiness.
i have a very full life. my friendships are more complete and wonderful than they've been in years, or ever. i pay closer attention to myself. i'm learning what i really want in a home, in a partner, in a life. i'm not disregarding any of my thoughts or feelings. i'm not defined by my role in a relationship or by what anyone else says/thinks/feels about me. and i think that i'm happier now than i would have been had i been where i thought i wanted to be. (<-- re-read that, you'll get it). i realized that i'm looking forward to the holidays. holy shit, i'm looking forward to the holidays, even though they'll be so different than i thought i wanted them to be. i'm not scared in the ways i used to be scared. i remember lying in bed waiting for r to come home after work (little did i know...) and not being able to sleep because i thought we needed him to protect us (HA!). now that i'm the protector, i sleep better. i take comfort in knowing that everything is my responsibility and that, incredibly, i've got it all under control.
i stood on my heart supports thinkin' / "oh my god, i'll probably have to carry this whole load." / i couldn't remember if i tried / i couldn't remember if i took my brain out, threw it so directly a the goal / i couldn't remember if i... / i could have my mind erased / and still not know exactly what i don't already know -mm