p is wearing me out. i'm totally at the end of my rope with her whining-crying-fake crying-biting-hitting-screaming-begging to nurse/have candy-throwing-and so on. i'm tired of physically restraining her from hurting 'renzo. i'm tired of her intentionally waking him up when i've just gotten him down for a nap. i'm tired of telling her "no" and "stop it." i'm tired of not having the right answers for her. i'm tired of telling her that i'm sorry her daddy left. i'm tired of her asking for him when she's frusterated with me. i'm so fucking tired all the time.
none of this is her fault. none of it. but i have to interact with her during those moments i want to scream at r. i can know logically that she is behaving the way that she is because she is three and traumatized but it doesn't make it any easier to soothe lorenzo when she's left teeth marks on his tiny little fingers. it makes me want to scream at her and tell her that if her f-ing father gave a shit about her he'd be here so that she got the attention she needed. but that parties and drinking and tacky women are more important in his mind and he isn't coming back. HE ISN'T COMING BACK. it's you and me and your brother now and we have to be fine without him because he's a lying cheating son-of-a-bitch and i'm sorry. i'm really really sorry he let us down. i'm sorry that i let us down. i'm just sorry.
but of course i can't say all that.
none of this is her fault. none of it. but i have to interact with her during those moments i want to scream at r. i can know logically that she is behaving the way that she is because she is three and traumatized but it doesn't make it any easier to soothe lorenzo when she's left teeth marks on his tiny little fingers. it makes me want to scream at her and tell her that if her f-ing father gave a shit about her he'd be here so that she got the attention she needed. but that parties and drinking and tacky women are more important in his mind and he isn't coming back. HE ISN'T COMING BACK. it's you and me and your brother now and we have to be fine without him because he's a lying cheating son-of-a-bitch and i'm sorry. i'm really really sorry he let us down. i'm sorry that i let us down. i'm just sorry.
but of course i can't say all that.