part of this for me is mourning. mourning a past that wasn't really how it seemed, mourning a future that will look a lot different than i had imagined. while i know logically there are happy times ahead for my kids and me, i'm staring to process what this means for us.
1) it would appear that this union with r will not be lasting, at least in the sense i intended when i married him.
2) it is possible to not fully know somebody even after ten or more years. or rather, it is possible to know someone and have them change dramatically over the years.
3) we now face the reality of a significantly lower standard of living. it comes down to the $$$ honey. this means:
a) i can't feed my kids or myself the organic foods i feel we deserve.
b) i can't afford to have parker in preschool or activites right now.
c) we'll have to live with no safety net; our savings is going to be gone very soon.
d) r will have to get a second job. this means:
*significantly less time with the kids (which is already significantly less time than it used to be)
*virtually no breaks for me
e) i'll have to think about money even more than i already do.
f) i can't finish my doula training anytime soon.
4) no relationship with my father-in-law, who i was quite close to. much less contact with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. i'm finding myself to be quite the hot potato these days.
5) i'll have to take down our wedding photos, my bouquet and eventually go through all the stuff we've gotten over the years.
6) there will be places/people i'll be hesitant to visit because of the memories. the mission where we were married is one of my favorite places on earth. it is going to be hard to reclaim that.
7) i've lost my best friend. i miss that more than the prospect of a lifetime as man and wife.
ugh. that's enough for now.
1) it would appear that this union with r will not be lasting, at least in the sense i intended when i married him.
2) it is possible to not fully know somebody even after ten or more years. or rather, it is possible to know someone and have them change dramatically over the years.
3) we now face the reality of a significantly lower standard of living. it comes down to the $$$ honey. this means:
a) i can't feed my kids or myself the organic foods i feel we deserve.
b) i can't afford to have parker in preschool or activites right now.
c) we'll have to live with no safety net; our savings is going to be gone very soon.
d) r will have to get a second job. this means:
*significantly less time with the kids (which is already significantly less time than it used to be)
*virtually no breaks for me
e) i'll have to think about money even more than i already do.
f) i can't finish my doula training anytime soon.
4) no relationship with my father-in-law, who i was quite close to. much less contact with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. i'm finding myself to be quite the hot potato these days.
5) i'll have to take down our wedding photos, my bouquet and eventually go through all the stuff we've gotten over the years.
6) there will be places/people i'll be hesitant to visit because of the memories. the mission where we were married is one of my favorite places on earth. it is going to be hard to reclaim that.
7) i've lost my best friend. i miss that more than the prospect of a lifetime as man and wife.
ugh. that's enough for now.