the paradox

that is this situation. bob days are weird. i try to be unreasonably perky in the car on the ride up. i try to not let the barbs of my humour set a bad tone for the appointment. i try to be playful and serious. strong and vulnerable. resolved and defeated. willing to accept my part and unwilling to accept attacks. there is always a moment during the appointment where i look over at r and feel vastly sorry for him. and for me. i look at him and know that there is someone out there waiting to love me and my kids in a deeper way than r will ever be capable of. and then, there is always another moment during the appointment when i look at him and feel nothing but raw love for him. truly unconditional. it seems totally foreign to think i could ever feel that for someone else.

tmi tmi tmi bob said something about it being dumb to get into a fist-fight with a skunk because you just end up stinky. that's how cool bob is. in an argyle sweater sort of way.

tmi tmi tmi

i'm so tired. i'm tired of feeling down only to feel up. i'm tired of feeling up only to feel down. i don't want to live my life for two hours a week with bob. i don't want to walk away from this marriage and have the life sentence of raising my kids with him across a distance of significantly more than a bed. i don't want to settle for this marriage if there is something better out there for us.

i really believe we create our own happiness. that's so much pressure if you don't know what you want.