hello and welcome to decadent bath for three®. i am the founder of db43® and will be your instructor for today. please begin by gathering the following items:
* 1 lactating adult female
* 1 high-energy preschool aged female
* 1 good-natured baby (male preferred)
* 1 chocolate croissant (highest quality available)
* 2 pads salted organic butter
* 1 large cup of organic whole-fat milk
* 3-12 large towels
optional items:
* 2 large felines
let's get started!
1) purchase your chocolate croissant. leave it on the counter (unwrapped) overnight to stale slightly.
2) wake up at (the butt-crack of) dawn. stumble into the bathroom and turn on bathtub (hot water only). leave bathroom and forget about the bath for 5-10 minutes or until water pours all over the floor, whichever comes first.
3) go into the kitchen. turn on the broiler. slice stale-ish chocolate croissant in half. place under broiler and forget about the croissant for 5-10 minutes or until smoke pours out of the oven, whichever comes first.
4) send toddler to check on bathwater. don't trust her answer when she tells you it isn't full yet.
5) retrieve baby from cat food bowl. retrieve cat food from baby's mouth.
6) panic when you smell smoke. run to oven and retrieve "crispy" chocolate croissant. butter it. lots of butter.
7) pour large glass of milk.
8) repeat step 5. pick up cat food and put it on the counter.
9) panic when you realize the bath is still running. run into the bathroom (with croissant and milk). turn off the hot water. turn on the cold water. adjust until temperature is just below scalding. (you will know the temperature is correct when your legs turn bright red and the toddler cannot get in without a lot of complaining.)
10) undress. get in tub. realize you left the baby in the living room. instruct the toddler to get the baby. instruct toddler to undress and get in the tub. lean over tub and un-diaper baby. get him in.
11) pray that the baby doesn't poop until after the bath.
12) sigh. feel relaxed for 1/32 of a second. remember that your husband told you yesterday that you have been a disappointment in bed for the last...oh, forever. stop relaxing immediately.
13) croissant time! begin to eat chocolate croissant. ideally it should be soggy on the bottom and burnt on the top. initially you should try to keep crumbs out of tub. give this up the moment the toddler begins to eat her half (the side with more butter and chocolate).
14) see "frequently asked questions."
15) wash hair. try to ignore floating crumbs and melting bits of chocolate.
16) forgo the soap. it is never worth the effort.
17) get out of the bath (don't forget the children).
18) ASAP.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
q: what is step 14?
a: i'm so glad you asked! (warning! step 14 is best not attempted until decadent bath for three® has been mastered.) step 14 involves one (or two) large felines knocking the cup of milk over and spilling it all over the edge of the tub. the cat(s) should drink a large amount of spilled milk and ideally, barf some of it up on the carpet later.
q: how will i know that i've mastered db43®?
a: while there is no wrong way to do db43®, there are some good indicators that you are maximizing your experience of the program. these include (but are not limited to) a greasy chocolate ring around the tub upon letting water out, bathers should be dirtier after the bath than when they got in, 3/4 of the croissant should be gone (one way or the other). for advanced bathers there should be a smell of sour milk 2-4 days after bath (depending on weather).
q: what if my toddler gets her half of the croissant wet?
a: this is half the fun! encourage her to devour it like corn on the cob (where the pastry is the cob and the chocolate is the corn). she should also have chocolate on most of her face/hands/chest/baby.
q: what is the purpose of the baby in db43®?
a: good question.
* 1 lactating adult female
* 1 high-energy preschool aged female
* 1 good-natured baby (male preferred)
* 1 chocolate croissant (highest quality available)
* 2 pads salted organic butter
* 1 large cup of organic whole-fat milk
* 3-12 large towels
optional items:
* 2 large felines
let's get started!
1) purchase your chocolate croissant. leave it on the counter (unwrapped) overnight to stale slightly.
2) wake up at (the butt-crack of) dawn. stumble into the bathroom and turn on bathtub (hot water only). leave bathroom and forget about the bath for 5-10 minutes or until water pours all over the floor, whichever comes first.
3) go into the kitchen. turn on the broiler. slice stale-ish chocolate croissant in half. place under broiler and forget about the croissant for 5-10 minutes or until smoke pours out of the oven, whichever comes first.
4) send toddler to check on bathwater. don't trust her answer when she tells you it isn't full yet.
5) retrieve baby from cat food bowl. retrieve cat food from baby's mouth.
6) panic when you smell smoke. run to oven and retrieve "crispy" chocolate croissant. butter it. lots of butter.
7) pour large glass of milk.
8) repeat step 5. pick up cat food and put it on the counter.
9) panic when you realize the bath is still running. run into the bathroom (with croissant and milk). turn off the hot water. turn on the cold water. adjust until temperature is just below scalding. (you will know the temperature is correct when your legs turn bright red and the toddler cannot get in without a lot of complaining.)
10) undress. get in tub. realize you left the baby in the living room. instruct the toddler to get the baby. instruct toddler to undress and get in the tub. lean over tub and un-diaper baby. get him in.
11) pray that the baby doesn't poop until after the bath.
12) sigh. feel relaxed for 1/32 of a second. remember that your husband told you yesterday that you have been a disappointment in bed for the last...oh, forever. stop relaxing immediately.
13) croissant time! begin to eat chocolate croissant. ideally it should be soggy on the bottom and burnt on the top. initially you should try to keep crumbs out of tub. give this up the moment the toddler begins to eat her half (the side with more butter and chocolate).
14) see "frequently asked questions."
15) wash hair. try to ignore floating crumbs and melting bits of chocolate.
16) forgo the soap. it is never worth the effort.
17) get out of the bath (don't forget the children).
18) ASAP.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
q: what is step 14?
a: i'm so glad you asked! (warning! step 14 is best not attempted until decadent bath for three® has been mastered.) step 14 involves one (or two) large felines knocking the cup of milk over and spilling it all over the edge of the tub. the cat(s) should drink a large amount of spilled milk and ideally, barf some of it up on the carpet later.
q: how will i know that i've mastered db43®?
a: while there is no wrong way to do db43®, there are some good indicators that you are maximizing your experience of the program. these include (but are not limited to) a greasy chocolate ring around the tub upon letting water out, bathers should be dirtier after the bath than when they got in, 3/4 of the croissant should be gone (one way or the other). for advanced bathers there should be a smell of sour milk 2-4 days after bath (depending on weather).
q: what if my toddler gets her half of the croissant wet?
a: this is half the fun! encourage her to devour it like corn on the cob (where the pastry is the cob and the chocolate is the corn). she should also have chocolate on most of her face/hands/chest/baby.
q: what is the purpose of the baby in db43®?
a: good question.