signs of life

signs of life


sunday you are fucked sideways,

choke me out until

i see stars

in the back room

 

come monday, you are

tight as a drum -

bang bang banging

your breast and mine

 

tuesday night i am

all idioms and bravado -

you quiet my ugly

thigh and laugh

 

by wednesday, we're

crazed unhinged on pills

i'm trampled by elephants

eaten by moths

day five

have i mentioned that these feel and behave almost like REAL BOOBS? i could cry. i can't believe it. i'm not getting my hopes up because i know some of this is just swelling but there's fat in there that squishes first post-op appointment is friday morning.

left/top: day five, 2012 right/bottom: day five, 2017

hey ma, i finally got my bruise blog

i fucking hate this goddamn itchy compression garment posing as some magic underwear. i hate the zippers and the way it bends and creases right under my ribcage. i hate the sweet relief of taking it off and then having to put it right back on. i hate the feeling of it up my spine after a heavy night of sleep. i hate that the designer of this garment had the forethought to put a hole in the crotch so that even when i'm peeing i don't get to take it off.

for once, right boob is more...agitated and swollen!

i'm focusing on breast pictures today cause parker is out of town and i don't want to traumatize lorenzo by making him photograph my under-butt. parker is already weird, and back tomorrow so look forward to more photos of my bruisy undercarriage. it's alternately feeling just bruised and sore and pins and needles heat.

if things were to heal, basically as they are, on top and bottom, i'd be so much more satisfied with the result than i was last time. these breasts move around like real boobs, can be mooshed together, and have a weight that feels human. it's a vaguely familiar feeling, and i like it.

to the best of my memory

friday: check in went easy, i had a wonderful nurse named betty who got my iv started and waited with me until it was time. dr. bates marked me and i went in around 10, about a half hour late. they gave me something that knocked me the hell out and then i woke up, i'm guessing about 4 hours later. i was so completely nauseated so someone gave me a shot of something extra in the shoulder. someone told me they told me they thought i'd be very pleased with the final result. the anesthesiologist said i had a couple of heart irregularities that i should get checked out when i see my oncologist next week. apparently we went home and i slept through heather's birthday. i'm told flowers and donuts and cupcakes and chinese food came by delivery.

saturday: percocet. all the percocet. i'd take one and then 15 minutes later i'd be completely out. about two hours later i'd wake up in pain, but not trashed and then in the next hour the pain would be horrible until i could take the next pill. my inner and outer thighs felt like hot matches. some odd stabby sensation where my breasts were. danny made tacos.

sunday: less percocet and the sweet relief of taking off my compression garment for a half hour and showering. there are more incisions on my lower half than i expected and the one in the middle of my lower back seems to be the angriest. there looks to be two or three stitches in each spot. i walked around the block. heather and mara and amanda and i had black sheep.

today: the pain moves around from lipospot to lipospot. i'm trying to just do motrin during the day so the cotton brain will go away more quickly. i'm only supposed to wear camisoles on top since i had the fat grafting done and they want as much of the fat to survive as possible. i never thought of fat as being alive before but here it lives in my breasts which have a pleasant heavy sensation that i haven't experienced in years, since i was breastfeeding maybe.

anyway, more gross bruise photos tomorrow. zzzzzz....

24 hours

nails done, legs shaved, house cleaned. it's unbearably hot and has been for a week (this seems like something i'll want to remember). i allowed myself one day of navel gazing and complete panic on friday night but that's passed and i'm feeling really ready to get this underway tomorrow morning. 

 five years ago, before my mastectomy, i drank a bottle of wine and had a nice conversation with rory. things are different this time - we don't speak, for reasons i'm sort of unsure of (they're pregnant, did i mention that?). yesterday afternoon i drank wine with mara and eric at the shop and had an easygoing evening with danny after work. my dad and renata asked me if i had a will, or a plan for the kids. i think the last time i wrote a will i was 17 and it's on some long since recycled brick of a laptop. (here: i want my parents and danny to raise my kids. i want them to use the money in my savings account to give them the most badass childhood that one can have with a dead mother and deadbeat dad. i want their community to remain the same. i want them to know that nothing has made me more proud than being their mom and seeing the incredible people they have become.)

 work. more later. and this, for posterity and searchability:

Celeste (35) - Dx 12/98: Hodgkins Lymphoma Nodular Sclerosing stage IIA - 25Gy mantle radiation & VAMP 5/8/12: Prophylactic BMX w/TE 9/7/12: Reconstruction w/Sientra cohesive gel implants 400cc 5/2/14: Liposuction to remove missed tissue 6/23/17: Implant revision w/Natrelle Inspira & fat grafting 

t-minus 14 days . . . pre-op

this is the face i make when i have to show my incredibly handsome surgeon my thighs.

i had the singular pleasure of showing my foobs and backside to not one, but three lucky souls at dr. bates' office yesterday. it's science, okay?

the nurse practitioner went over what to expect: three-ish hours of surgery with an hour of recovery in the surgicenter, pain meds & antibiotics, compression garments for six weeks at the lipo sites, blah blah blah. the lipo is gonna bruise and hurt like i've been hit with a bat. a tech took pictures of my breasts and butt & thighs. i'll have parker do the same so there are some good before and after photos for here.

dr. bates and i finalized what i'd like my end result to look like (more projection with less armpit boob) and feel like (vaguely human). he's using a brand new (yeah, i'm oh for one on the new and best boobs but whatever) cohesive, extra full implant by allergan, the natrelle inspira. (i forgot to ask how many cc these will be - the current ones are 400cc.) the fat will be grafted from my thighs. namely under my butt and between my legs (he was expressly warned not to touch the butt) and will be put all around the implant so soften everything a bit. i'm not gonna lie, this feels like a windfall. more lifelike foob, more shapely legs AND i get to stick it to my insurance? gosh, i'd trade my nipples for that.

anyway, i'm expecting the recovery to be a week or so but i'll of course be documenting the whole thing, under the influence of narcotics, if you're lucky!

the Allergan SCX - debuted January 2017. not so "natrelle" looking on a platter!