i should know better than to stay up all night reading cancer blogs when i know the how the stories end. i should know better than to imagine myself in their positions, as mothers, trying to 'create memories' that 'convey who i was' for kids too young to begin to understand mortality in a tangible way. i should know better than to be so flip about all this when the truth is, the terror i feel at the thought of not having my kids is over-shadowed only by the thought of them not having me.
i cannot convince myself anymore that this is just about meh percentages (plane crashes and lottery tickets aside) and insurance having to pay and me getting perky new foobs for free. this is about disregarding disfiguration because i feel duped. because nobody told me when i was 17 and unafraid to die, comfortable in it even, that i'd be thirty and choking down my own happiness. this is about the rabid feeling of loving these incredible (and terrible) little people in a way that makes me want to be flip and really really really old.
i cannot convince myself anymore that this is just about meh percentages (plane crashes and lottery tickets aside) and insurance having to pay and me getting perky new foobs for free. this is about disregarding disfiguration because i feel duped. because nobody told me when i was 17 and unafraid to die, comfortable in it even, that i'd be thirty and choking down my own happiness. this is about the rabid feeling of loving these incredible (and terrible) little people in a way that makes me want to be flip and really really really old.