i had my appointment with my ob/gyn yesterday. i was prepared for a colposcopy but as it turned out, once she applied the vinegar, the doctor could see a ring of abnormal cells (all the way around my cervix) without even using the microscope. she wound up taking four total biopsies (at 12, 3, 6, and 9 o'clock) from my cervix. for once i suppose i was expecting the best - a false positive on the pap or a true positive with no abnormal growth - and now i'm in the position of waiting a week or so for lab results.
this feels dramatically different than anything (health/cancer related) that i've been through before because now i have these two incredible (and incredibly tiny) little ones completely reliant on me. i found myself in bed last night not thinking about how i'd keep up with missed schoolwork, but how my kids would be taken care of if something happened to me (for the record i'd want my parents to raise them and d to stay a large part of their lives). nonetheless, i remain unfazed by worst case scenarios in terms of removing body parts (ie a hysterectomy), chemo and/or radiation but feel more urgently a desire to survive than i did at 17. (let me be clear, i know no more than i've stated above...this is certainly a worst case, not PRE-cancerous but cancerous scenario i'm outlining.)