i ordered 500 pounds of organic sugar this afternoon. that felt awesome. and also, i am the perfect neighbor if you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar. eh? and also, we got three new melangers (chocolate refining machines) today. 3 x awesome. jen is making coffee marshmallows that we're dipping tomorrow. that's mocha awesome. (for those of you that don't get to come to the farmers' markets, we currently have maple, mandarin orange, and meyer lemon marshmallows too... and we're brulee-ing s'mores at the market. it pays to be local!)
lorenzo's hamster died today. of old age, nothing terribly traumatic, but he was pretty heartbroken. he carried her around in a special little box and kept peeking in to pet her and make sure she was still there. he'd set the box down and put his adorable little face in his hands and say 'my ginger is dead.' he (with parker's help) buried her under grammy's hibiscus plant, said goodbye, and seemed to feel a little better. it's amazing to see the range of emotions an almost three year old can have in a day.
i'm enjoying parenting more lately than i have in a long time. i don't know if it has to do with the ages/phases that the kids are in, or if i'm just significantly less stressed than i have been. i suppose it's a combination of lots of things but i have more of those moments when the wind blows across me just so and i feel really deeply at peace. i love these guys and i'm really thrilled and content with my life and where it's going.
i'm making an attempt to be a better mom, to praise the kids more and scold them less. i'm trying to take them swimming/parking/reading because i know they love it and other stuff can wait. i'm trying to be positive about their daddy because i want things to be good for him so things will be good for them in the long run.
i talked to parker's therapist about the situation with the breakup and i feel kind of like i get a re-do because this time i am prepared for how to deal with the emotions the kids may have. that makes me feel confident because i know that no matter how hard this is for them it won't be as bad as it was 2.5 years ago when he left. they'll be okay, and when they aren't, i'm qualified to help them through it.
i'm surprised at the range of emotion i'm having over this breakup. the moment i heard i got this flood of relief, okay, it isn't her, she's not going to be the one there - or not there as the case may be - for my kids as they grow up. there won't be some awkward meeting years down the line. i can stop wondering what i did. what it was about her that was so much better than me. just: sigh. i've had my moments of yes! he's getting his in the end. now he knows how it feels to be alone and hurting so badly that your body feels like it will crack in two. remember this feeling because this is what i endured, multiplied by ten extra years and two children. which quickly reminds me of how mind-bendingly terrible that felt and that honestly, i wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less the father of my children. and then...i'm back to relief that maybe things will be kinder and different and oh oh oh i can hope that he'll meet someone nice who will think that it's awesome that we can celebrate the kids' birthdays together in a friendly and supportive way. (btw, thank you A for genuinely inviting d, me, and the kids to d2's party, for being happy that p & 'renz had fun, and for hugging me tightly when we left. honestly, thank you. it's given me the courage to hope for that for my kids too.) but yeah, lest you think i'm being a martyr, i have those crazy karma's a bitch isn't it?! moments too. but they're fleeting...
updated at 11.42PM to add that while looking for an old picture of lorenzo i delved back into the blog archives. boy did 2007 suck it big time or what? er, until ya know, mid-octoberish. ;0)