i feel like i've crossed another bridge. i've been through this bad place of depression (yes, got into the doc) and this place of newness all in a matter of a month. a month ago i was furious with bk and now i've got this live and let live feeling. i've had what i think are processing dreams where we are just walking and talking and being friends. i wake up and can remember the way i loved him as my best friend. i can't remember anymore what it felt like to love him as a partner or a lover, so in that sense i feel healed. it seems ridiculous that i would have sought him out to partner & parent with (though those that knew us would probably disagree) when it seems so apparent that we are meant to take different paths. i don't blame myself, or him, for getting that wrong somehow. we were young, really really young.
maybe it's that d is moving in and i feel like something is starting fresh but this is the first time i haven't begrudged r his happiness. (that it came through infidelity still stings (immensely) and i suppose it always will, but not in that acute way of a year ago.) maybe it's that i've found myself with someone vastly different than myself and at the same time vastly more compatible in many ways...
i gave r one of the cats, the one that was his. our two maine coons are females, sisters, we've had them forever. i was feeling overwhelmed by taking care of them both and off-handedly offered them to bk and miss bk. they have three dogs and a bird (in an apartment!) and i was half kidding but he jumped on it and came and picked her up today. i gave him the extra litter box and we agreed to share the grooming shavers back and forth. it felt co-parenty and easy and agreeable.
maybe it's that d is moving in and i feel like something is starting fresh but this is the first time i haven't begrudged r his happiness. (that it came through infidelity still stings (immensely) and i suppose it always will, but not in that acute way of a year ago.) maybe it's that i've found myself with someone vastly different than myself and at the same time vastly more compatible in many ways...
i gave r one of the cats, the one that was his. our two maine coons are females, sisters, we've had them forever. i was feeling overwhelmed by taking care of them both and off-handedly offered them to bk and miss bk. they have three dogs and a bird (in an apartment!) and i was half kidding but he jumped on it and came and picked her up today. i gave him the extra litter box and we agreed to share the grooming shavers back and forth. it felt co-parenty and easy and agreeable.