no call tonight. s and i have an appointment tomorrow with the lawyer that is guiding her through helping me (she worked for the public defender's office, not family law). i'm pretty nervous about wednesday but i think it is just that random free-floating anxiety, not rooted in any real danger. my situation can only be improved by resolution.
i started thinking today about how much of my relationship with bk involved ignoring little things that turned out to be important. how often did i push down feelings and hunches? how often was i carried along by the momentum (and the pride i felt) of 2 years, 5 years, 10 years together? or was i right about who he was then and now i'm just looking for things to make sense of it all?
we were barely 14 when we first started 'dating.' he came up to my locker (on valentine's day in 8th grade) with a yellow rose ('for friendship') and a red rose ('for, you know...') and asked me out. (it was the first, a maybe last, time he ever pursued me.) about a month later he went on the washington d.c. trip that so many kids go on in middle school. i didn't go but saw the pictures of him holding hands with another girl on the other coast. he told me he was 'just keeping her hands warm.' i never believed him. we joked about it annually: her family and his (me included) were seated next to each other every christmas eve at the california cafe for 10 years. a strange coincidence and a good excuse for me to rib him about 'hand cheating' on me...
i found out two days before 'renzo was born that things had gone well beyond appropriate with a (married with triplets, plus one) co-worker at left bank, a woman we joked about being his 'work wife.' i panicked and asked him to go with me the marriage counseling. he declined, apologized, and swore he would break it off with her. he did. i was hugely pregnant, having constant contractions, and sick of the 100+ degree heat. i worried briefly but didn't really think about it again once mr. baby latched on.
about the same time bk started telling me about this hot (but not very bright) woman he had hired at the bar. i heard about her for a few months and how she was going to make him a ton of money the nights that they worked together (they split tips). i saw her for the first time on november 15, 2006. she and bk were working and my parents and i took the kids to see mr. david at santana row (home of left bank). she wouldn't come up and introduce herself to me (i noted this and commented to bk about it. hello, first clue dummy). i joked with bk that she was a butterface. i mean, he'd been building her up to me forever and gosh, we usually have the same taste in women and gee, she didn't really seem his type at all. (what the fuck did i know? i was still 30 pounds heavier than normal from just having had a baby and i'd made the huuuuge 'mistake' of shaving my head again. unfeminine bitch.) he left on november 26, 2006 (11 days, got me?). joke's on me.
and yes, that was miss bk. oy. i heard in therapy how he wanted to sleep with her but that she wouldn't cheat with a married man (i saw how long that lasted). i heard that she defended me for months while he badmouthed me to her (*cough*). i heard myself compared to her in a not-so-veiled manner. he told me him leaving had nothing to do with her. (shut your goddamn mouth and think before you speak/type ya'll; i'm not looking for opinions on this point.) in the end it didn't matter. i deeply valued bk's loyalty and fidelity for a dozen years. i was positive we could work through anything. i knew i could forgive his missteps. cheating wasn't the problem, just a symptom. right? the grass is always greener until you get there and realize that the grass isn't really ever greener. right?
somehow, four months into a new relationship i'm less concerned about infidelity than i was during many years of my relationship with bk. i don't feel any of the jealousy that i used to feel. maybe i sense that d isn't the cheating type (i feel strongly that this is so). maybe i know that i could survive it again if i had to.
i started thinking today about how much of my relationship with bk involved ignoring little things that turned out to be important. how often did i push down feelings and hunches? how often was i carried along by the momentum (and the pride i felt) of 2 years, 5 years, 10 years together? or was i right about who he was then and now i'm just looking for things to make sense of it all?
we were barely 14 when we first started 'dating.' he came up to my locker (on valentine's day in 8th grade) with a yellow rose ('for friendship') and a red rose ('for, you know...') and asked me out. (it was the first, a maybe last, time he ever pursued me.) about a month later he went on the washington d.c. trip that so many kids go on in middle school. i didn't go but saw the pictures of him holding hands with another girl on the other coast. he told me he was 'just keeping her hands warm.' i never believed him. we joked about it annually: her family and his (me included) were seated next to each other every christmas eve at the california cafe for 10 years. a strange coincidence and a good excuse for me to rib him about 'hand cheating' on me...
i found out two days before 'renzo was born that things had gone well beyond appropriate with a (married with triplets, plus one) co-worker at left bank, a woman we joked about being his 'work wife.' i panicked and asked him to go with me the marriage counseling. he declined, apologized, and swore he would break it off with her. he did. i was hugely pregnant, having constant contractions, and sick of the 100+ degree heat. i worried briefly but didn't really think about it again once mr. baby latched on.
about the same time bk started telling me about this hot (but not very bright) woman he had hired at the bar. i heard about her for a few months and how she was going to make him a ton of money the nights that they worked together (they split tips). i saw her for the first time on november 15, 2006. she and bk were working and my parents and i took the kids to see mr. david at santana row (home of left bank). she wouldn't come up and introduce herself to me (i noted this and commented to bk about it. hello, first clue dummy). i joked with bk that she was a butterface. i mean, he'd been building her up to me forever and gosh, we usually have the same taste in women and gee, she didn't really seem his type at all. (what the fuck did i know? i was still 30 pounds heavier than normal from just having had a baby and i'd made the huuuuge 'mistake' of shaving my head again. unfeminine bitch.) he left on november 26, 2006 (11 days, got me?). joke's on me.
and yes, that was miss bk. oy. i heard in therapy how he wanted to sleep with her but that she wouldn't cheat with a married man (i saw how long that lasted). i heard that she defended me for months while he badmouthed me to her (*cough*). i heard myself compared to her in a not-so-veiled manner. he told me him leaving had nothing to do with her. (shut your goddamn mouth and think before you speak/type ya'll; i'm not looking for opinions on this point.) in the end it didn't matter. i deeply valued bk's loyalty and fidelity for a dozen years. i was positive we could work through anything. i knew i could forgive his missteps. cheating wasn't the problem, just a symptom. right? the grass is always greener until you get there and realize that the grass isn't really ever greener. right?
somehow, four months into a new relationship i'm less concerned about infidelity than i was during many years of my relationship with bk. i don't feel any of the jealousy that i used to feel. maybe i sense that d isn't the cheating type (i feel strongly that this is so). maybe i know that i could survive it again if i had to.