it doesn't feel like it is even remotely possible that it is thanksgiving week. maybe it is the beautiful weather we've been having here in n. cal. (in the low 70's up until today). maybe it is the blur that has been this year. in any case, i feel unprepared and happy to be going out of town (mom's family) for the long weekend.
i've been in denial since halloween that the holidays are approaching. i've been worried that bk will suddenly step up and decide that he wants in on the action. i finally told him yesterday that we were thinking of going away for thanksgiving. no real reaction; he already had plans anyway and is going out of town (more missed work) to visit miss bk's family (i think). then i mentioned that we've been invited to a beach house near mendocino (!) for christmas...just testing the waters. nothing. which of course makes my life easy because i don't have to worry about an argument but i am so fucking sad for the kids. r's gone from guilty or angry or crazy to indifferent...i think the worst of all.
he's less and less a father to them, incapable or unwilling to perform the simplest of tasks without explicit instruction from me. always, more of the same, canceling, leaving early, begging off because he's tired or not feeling well or whatever. i think miss bk is tiring of the kids or something because the last two times bk's seen the kids he's wanted it to be at my place. *scratches head* i'm uncomfortable/annoyed with this because 1) he lives a block away 2) it's ridiculous 3) it's an invasion of my privacy 4) it let's him off the hook 5) it's ridiculous.
i suspect he's caught on to the fact that i'm no longer pining away for him and it has gotten under his skin. parker ran in a week ago (after a brief visit with bk) all excited because d was here and grabbed a book so he'd read to her (which of course he did, which of course all the wonderful people in her life do without question or complaint). bk planted himself in my living room and tried to make conversation with me. he's suddenly interested in my life? wha? he does the same thing when b is over and we're working...it's posturing and i keep waiting to find he's peed in the corner of my bedroom.
and today "so, how are things with d?" all i'll ever give him about anything is fine. things are fine. what am i going to say? things are shitty...he beats me, save me, take me back this is the worst thing ever! or gosh, i really like him! sit and have a cup o' coffee so i can fill you in on the details, cause you know, we're old pals again right? what i typically say is: do you have any money for us. i can't buy food (you piece of shit).
speaking of...he made sure to tell me that he paid a medical bill i gave him. like what? you want a fucking cookie? i've been managing on my own for months now. i can't pay the gas bill with wic checks ass face. FEED YOUR KIDS. (yes, paperwork being filled out now that i have the name of his new employer. no tips in high tech sales = no lying about income (woot! no, i don't play d&d.))
i've been in denial since halloween that the holidays are approaching. i've been worried that bk will suddenly step up and decide that he wants in on the action. i finally told him yesterday that we were thinking of going away for thanksgiving. no real reaction; he already had plans anyway and is going out of town (more missed work) to visit miss bk's family (i think). then i mentioned that we've been invited to a beach house near mendocino (!) for christmas...just testing the waters. nothing. which of course makes my life easy because i don't have to worry about an argument but i am so fucking sad for the kids. r's gone from guilty or angry or crazy to indifferent...i think the worst of all.
he's less and less a father to them, incapable or unwilling to perform the simplest of tasks without explicit instruction from me. always, more of the same, canceling, leaving early, begging off because he's tired or not feeling well or whatever. i think miss bk is tiring of the kids or something because the last two times bk's seen the kids he's wanted it to be at my place. *scratches head* i'm uncomfortable/annoyed with this because 1) he lives a block away 2) it's ridiculous 3) it's an invasion of my privacy 4) it let's him off the hook 5) it's ridiculous.
i suspect he's caught on to the fact that i'm no longer pining away for him and it has gotten under his skin. parker ran in a week ago (after a brief visit with bk) all excited because d was here and grabbed a book so he'd read to her (which of course he did, which of course all the wonderful people in her life do without question or complaint). bk planted himself in my living room and tried to make conversation with me. he's suddenly interested in my life? wha? he does the same thing when b is over and we're working...it's posturing and i keep waiting to find he's peed in the corner of my bedroom.
and today "so, how are things with d?" all i'll ever give him about anything is fine. things are fine. what am i going to say? things are shitty...he beats me, save me, take me back this is the worst thing ever! or gosh, i really like him! sit and have a cup o' coffee so i can fill you in on the details, cause you know, we're old pals again right? what i typically say is: do you have any money for us. i can't buy food (you piece of shit).
speaking of...he made sure to tell me that he paid a medical bill i gave him. like what? you want a fucking cookie? i've been managing on my own for months now. i can't pay the gas bill with wic checks ass face. FEED YOUR KIDS. (yes, paperwork being filled out now that i have the name of his new employer. no tips in high tech sales = no lying about income (woot! no, i don't play d&d.))