called the ymca and put our membership on hold for the next three months (at which point i'll probably cancel). i can't afford the extra $25 a month and all i need is to exercise and lose more weight. i'm also switching lorenzo back to cloth diapers. i've been feeling guilty about the plastic ones but didn't feel i had the wherewithal to manage cloth on top of everything else. money wins out again. so that's it; there isn't anything else i can do to cut back. aside from the internet and like i said, until we are at risk of losing our home, i'm not giving it up. my dad keeps slipping money in my purse and i hate it, but i'm currently in no position to turn it down. he's already paying for my cell phone. ugh. but thank you.
i'm stressed and when i get stressed i try to control my surroundings. namely i organize and rid my house of all the perceived crap. this afternoon i gathered several bags of things (toys, clothes, stuff) to donate to the thrift store. it's an easy way to declutter my internal state and i suppose in my position it is better than compulsively buying useless crap... i've done it so many times in the last year though i'm not going to have anything to get rid of soon.
i feel like all the actions i'm taking now are because i've been backed into a corner, not because they're the path i've chosen. r must sense something is up, he's been calling a bunch and i get the distinct feeling that he's checking up on me. probably he's nervous because i haven't reacted to anything (the italy trip, moving in with miss bk, introducing miss bk, getting no $). the shit's going down on tuesday at the mediator's, assuming he bothers to show up. i've decided i'm not going to interact with him at all without a third party present and anything that needs to be discussed about the children can be done via email or letter or messenger pigeon for all i care. i can't deal with his bullshit and i'm afraid i might rip his testicles out through his nose if he stands too close to me or worse yet, be vaporized if he breathes on me. well, october will be the month that everything turned around, one way or the other. i made the mistake of letting my mind wander into that fearful place today and imagined myself having to hand lorenzo over for an overnight, begging, crying, pleading to let him stay, he can't be away from me that long while he's still nursing, i'm the only thing he's ever known... it's the last way to hurt me and i've sworn to myself that i wouldn't be surprised by anything he does. so i'm preparing myself for the absolute worst scenario i can. don't ask me how i'll deal. i'm still feeling numb about what happened last night.
i heard an interesting (and sad) interaction when mom and the kids and i were out this evening. it was a little boy 6? 7? whining to his dad about wanting to go to some races or play t-ball or something. the (youngish) dad turned on the kid and hissed at him: you think she's going to take you? you think she cares? how many times has she taken you? one? ONE. i've taken you a million times! go live with your mom if you want but she doesn't care! she won't take you. and the kid started whimpering and the dad pulled him close and held him like he was sorry. it's shitty because there have been a million moments like that, when i wanted to scream at p when she is being stubborn about something and trys to play the daddy card: he doesn't love you! if he cared he would BE here now. you are inconvenient to him. i do all the work: i wipe you bottom and brush your teeth and take care of you. i'm the one that loves you! why do you want him when he doesn't want you? but i don't say it because it would break her little heart and it isn't really what i want. but i've been thisclose. i was sad and ashamed for that dad but i knew exactly how he was feeling and i understand that after years of the same disappointment anyone might be there.
i'm stressed and when i get stressed i try to control my surroundings. namely i organize and rid my house of all the perceived crap. this afternoon i gathered several bags of things (toys, clothes, stuff) to donate to the thrift store. it's an easy way to declutter my internal state and i suppose in my position it is better than compulsively buying useless crap... i've done it so many times in the last year though i'm not going to have anything to get rid of soon.
i feel like all the actions i'm taking now are because i've been backed into a corner, not because they're the path i've chosen. r must sense something is up, he's been calling a bunch and i get the distinct feeling that he's checking up on me. probably he's nervous because i haven't reacted to anything (the italy trip, moving in with miss bk, introducing miss bk, getting no $). the shit's going down on tuesday at the mediator's, assuming he bothers to show up. i've decided i'm not going to interact with him at all without a third party present and anything that needs to be discussed about the children can be done via email or letter or messenger pigeon for all i care. i can't deal with his bullshit and i'm afraid i might rip his testicles out through his nose if he stands too close to me or worse yet, be vaporized if he breathes on me. well, october will be the month that everything turned around, one way or the other. i made the mistake of letting my mind wander into that fearful place today and imagined myself having to hand lorenzo over for an overnight, begging, crying, pleading to let him stay, he can't be away from me that long while he's still nursing, i'm the only thing he's ever known... it's the last way to hurt me and i've sworn to myself that i wouldn't be surprised by anything he does. so i'm preparing myself for the absolute worst scenario i can. don't ask me how i'll deal. i'm still feeling numb about what happened last night.
i heard an interesting (and sad) interaction when mom and the kids and i were out this evening. it was a little boy 6? 7? whining to his dad about wanting to go to some races or play t-ball or something. the (youngish) dad turned on the kid and hissed at him: you think she's going to take you? you think she cares? how many times has she taken you? one? ONE. i've taken you a million times! go live with your mom if you want but she doesn't care! she won't take you. and the kid started whimpering and the dad pulled him close and held him like he was sorry. it's shitty because there have been a million moments like that, when i wanted to scream at p when she is being stubborn about something and trys to play the daddy card: he doesn't love you! if he cared he would BE here now. you are inconvenient to him. i do all the work: i wipe you bottom and brush your teeth and take care of you. i'm the one that loves you! why do you want him when he doesn't want you? but i don't say it because it would break her little heart and it isn't really what i want. but i've been thisclose. i was sad and ashamed for that dad but i knew exactly how he was feeling and i understand that after years of the same disappointment anyone might be there.