it's taken me 9+ months to realize that r's behavior and character doesn't reflect (poorly) on me. yeah. i know. his cheating, drinking, lying ways have nothing to do with me. i'm the one that's been giving him/the situation all the power. part of it has been my fear of giving up control over my life. we (he & i) don't have a life anymore. our lives will intersect (hopefully) where the kids are concerned but i don't need to feel embarrassed/guilty for the choices he's made/making. it isn't my job to punish him or blame him for the situation i find myself in anymore. that just gives him control over me.
another part of this is mourning how i thought i was going to raise my kids. i didn't plan on them having divorced parents (but who does?). i'm mad because i feel like i've failed them somehow. i'm mad because i wanted them to have two parents, not four. and in all likelyhood there will be four, or more. i have to be okay with the fact that once i send them off with their father parenting is out of my control. that is SO hard. but he has to be okay with that during the 95% of the time they're with me. so it's all good in the hood right? or something. blah blah blah.