my parents weren't (aren't) rich. i imagine they lived basically paycheck to paycheck and though i'm sure they would've loved to, i didn't get braces (i'm glad for that, i like my teeth) and they didn't have a college fund for me (god bless my grandparents, seriously, two of the most generous people i know - without them, i don't know how i would have done college at such an incredible institution. thank you, publicly and again, thank you). that said, if we were ever poor or money was a serious issue, i didn't know about it. we had clothes and food and a warm home and presents at birthdays and christmas. when they divorced (i was 11?) i didn't suffer a dramatic lifestyle change or if i did, i didn't notice.
i made a mistake in my situation (shocking, i know). when r left i immediately offered to cut back, to go on wic, to take p out of preschool, to shop at the thrift store, to give up organic food and all the luxuries we were used to (eating out, renting movies, waxing my eyebrows). i was so sure that i was doing the right thing, i thought somehow we'd pull through this and be together and the money would seem like a gift to our family. i didn't know i was supporting his lifestyle, with someone else.
now, i've cut back on pretty much everything i can think of and he wants me to cut back even more. my one luxury is my internet and i'm quite sure that without it i would have to start seeing my therapist weekly. it is my connection to the outside world and at $35/month it's a small price to pay compared to $500/month for therapy. anyway, i've spent all of my savings just staying afloat these past few months with no support and i have enough in my account to get us through the end of the month. and then nothing. i don't know what i'm going to do.
part of me is oddly relieved. it's been sickening to watch my savings dwindle down to nothing. there goes my money for a camera lens. there goes my plane ticket to sicily. there, that was my last iced chai latte for a while. there goes my emergency money. that was the emergency. now, faced with no other choice i have to act. i have to get a court order. i have to protect myself and my kids. it's kind of freeing in a terrifying way.
i made a mistake in my situation (shocking, i know). when r left i immediately offered to cut back, to go on wic, to take p out of preschool, to shop at the thrift store, to give up organic food and all the luxuries we were used to (eating out, renting movies, waxing my eyebrows). i was so sure that i was doing the right thing, i thought somehow we'd pull through this and be together and the money would seem like a gift to our family. i didn't know i was supporting his lifestyle, with someone else.
now, i've cut back on pretty much everything i can think of and he wants me to cut back even more. my one luxury is my internet and i'm quite sure that without it i would have to start seeing my therapist weekly. it is my connection to the outside world and at $35/month it's a small price to pay compared to $500/month for therapy. anyway, i've spent all of my savings just staying afloat these past few months with no support and i have enough in my account to get us through the end of the month. and then nothing. i don't know what i'm going to do.
part of me is oddly relieved. it's been sickening to watch my savings dwindle down to nothing. there goes my money for a camera lens. there goes my plane ticket to sicily. there, that was my last iced chai latte for a while. there goes my emergency money. that was the emergency. now, faced with no other choice i have to act. i have to get a court order. i have to protect myself and my kids. it's kind of freeing in a terrifying way.