chronologically speaking, last night b and i got some work done and because i am who i am i couldn't let something stand unspoken so i told him about the conversation with buzzkill. i thanked him for his integrity and it wasn't a big deal. i trust him. isn't that incredible and amazing? i still believe that humans in general are baisically good. and this person in particular is trying to grow and become something more than. i'm drawing these people into my life lately and trying to be swept up with them i'm peaceful. we're both so fucking committed to the sucess of cacao that it seems impossible to fail. i'm moving through fear. in-fricking-credible.
this afternoon buzzkill came over with his mom and sister, rather unannounced. he stayed for a while, showed off like he gives a crap about 'renzo but had to be reminded to STOP TEXTING. he made sure to ask me in front of them if i had gotten the money that he left in the mailbox. i made sure to ask him if he meant the TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS. bah! when he left my mil and sil stayed and were really wonderful to me. do you thing they're embarrassed for him? for so long since this happened i was embarrassed for me. why did he leave me? what is it in miss buzzkill that's so much better/more/different? what could i have done differently? nothing. it was never about me. it was about a flaw in him that made him look for the "easy" way out of a situation he wasn't happy in. i'm embarrassed for him. in order to save face he's had to tell himself (and everyone else) a story that just doesn't hold water. he's got many sad years ahead of him i suspect. he doesn't know what it is to be alone with himself and he may find out the hard way, like me!
this evening the kids and i went to a wedding with meme. this is wedding number two for me since d-day. i felt more detached from this event because 1) it's been a few more months and 2) i don't know the bride or groom very well. i enjoyed the food and wine, watching parker dance her little brains out and chatting with the people at the table. several people came up to me and told me what beautiful and happy and wonderful children i have. *bats eyelashes* it's weird though to be a single mom at an event like this where all the people my age are pairing (or tripling or quadrupling) off and bringing sexy back (ha!). it's strange to know that had i not had the kids with me i might have been asked to dance, someone might have taken an interest in me... i'm not looking for anything in particular or anything at all i guess. but my situation is so different from r's. if he were to take a REAL interest in the kids he could be having the best of both worlds: the social life he apparently craves and quality time with these two amazing people. he's left me with a severe handicap, i'm too exhausted to really fully enjoy my kids the way i want to and left with no (or very little) free time to pursue things for myself. anyway, the cake was good and we all looked smashing... yes, that's a full length leather skirt and stilettos i'm wearing.
this afternoon buzzkill came over with his mom and sister, rather unannounced. he stayed for a while, showed off like he gives a crap about 'renzo but had to be reminded to STOP TEXTING. he made sure to ask me in front of them if i had gotten the money that he left in the mailbox. i made sure to ask him if he meant the TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS. bah! when he left my mil and sil stayed and were really wonderful to me. do you thing they're embarrassed for him? for so long since this happened i was embarrassed for me. why did he leave me? what is it in miss buzzkill that's so much better/more/different? what could i have done differently? nothing. it was never about me. it was about a flaw in him that made him look for the "easy" way out of a situation he wasn't happy in. i'm embarrassed for him. in order to save face he's had to tell himself (and everyone else) a story that just doesn't hold water. he's got many sad years ahead of him i suspect. he doesn't know what it is to be alone with himself and he may find out the hard way, like me!
this evening the kids and i went to a wedding with meme. this is wedding number two for me since d-day. i felt more detached from this event because 1) it's been a few more months and 2) i don't know the bride or groom very well. i enjoyed the food and wine, watching parker dance her little brains out and chatting with the people at the table. several people came up to me and told me what beautiful and happy and wonderful children i have. *bats eyelashes* it's weird though to be a single mom at an event like this where all the people my age are pairing (or tripling or quadrupling) off and bringing sexy back (ha!). it's strange to know that had i not had the kids with me i might have been asked to dance, someone might have taken an interest in me... i'm not looking for anything in particular or anything at all i guess. but my situation is so different from r's. if he were to take a REAL interest in the kids he could be having the best of both worlds: the social life he apparently craves and quality time with these two amazing people. he's left me with a severe handicap, i'm too exhausted to really fully enjoy my kids the way i want to and left with no (or very little) free time to pursue things for myself. anyway, the cake was good and we all looked smashing... yes, that's a full length leather skirt and stilettos i'm wearing.One of these days and it won't be long / Call my name and I'll be gone / Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well -jeff buckley
