it's been 9 months. he hasn't taken my name off the car. he hasn't had the house appraised (but doesn't believe my appraisal). he hasn't gotten a new job. he hasn't stuck to the agreed schedule. and oh by the way, he forgot to tell me that he's going out of town for 10 days. and he's looking to buy a condo. and he's cut back at work.
i'm scared. i don't have faith in the court system (but have no real reason to believe that it will fail me). three lawyers have told me that the "worst" that could happen is he'll get 50% custody. these kids haven't been away from me for more than six hours - ever. my son is breastfed. that's sounds like being 50% dead or 50% pregnant or living on 50% of my usual oxygen intake. the thought of risking that by rocking the boat (ie asking for enough money to feed the kids, telling him he is not welcome in my home, etc) paralyzes me. i know logically that he doesn't want them 50% of the time (does he?) he's been pretty honest about the fact that he comes first (he wouldn't be dicking me around about money/schedule/everything otherwise). but my stomach turns when i think of packing them off to stay with him (at his girlfriend's? his parents'?). i don't trust him. he's a liar. he doesn't want them. when he filed the papers he stated that he wanted me to have physical custody. but still, it's the one way left that he can hurt me and it feels like he's hell bent on doing that...
i feel this possessiveness over the kids that is only getting stronger as time passes (i wipe the butts. i do the laundry. i take them to the doctor. i sign them up for school and take them to therapy and hold them during the night. i do it. you visit. and it isn't the same.) lorenzo has lived in a one parent home for 9 of the last 13 months. he's known nothing else. it is so hard to send him off, especially since he can't talk to me, tell me if he's happy and comfortable with his daddy. and what the hell am i going to do when it is time for them to meet the other woman? she had her part in breaking up my family, how is it possible that she has my kids' best interest in mind?
i'm scared. i don't have faith in the court system (but have no real reason to believe that it will fail me). three lawyers have told me that the "worst" that could happen is he'll get 50% custody. these kids haven't been away from me for more than six hours - ever. my son is breastfed. that's sounds like being 50% dead or 50% pregnant or living on 50% of my usual oxygen intake. the thought of risking that by rocking the boat (ie asking for enough money to feed the kids, telling him he is not welcome in my home, etc) paralyzes me. i know logically that he doesn't want them 50% of the time (does he?) he's been pretty honest about the fact that he comes first (he wouldn't be dicking me around about money/schedule/everything otherwise). but my stomach turns when i think of packing them off to stay with him (at his girlfriend's? his parents'?). i don't trust him. he's a liar. he doesn't want them. when he filed the papers he stated that he wanted me to have physical custody. but still, it's the one way left that he can hurt me and it feels like he's hell bent on doing that...
i feel this possessiveness over the kids that is only getting stronger as time passes (i wipe the butts. i do the laundry. i take them to the doctor. i sign them up for school and take them to therapy and hold them during the night. i do it. you visit. and it isn't the same.) lorenzo has lived in a one parent home for 9 of the last 13 months. he's known nothing else. it is so hard to send him off, especially since he can't talk to me, tell me if he's happy and comfortable with his daddy. and what the hell am i going to do when it is time for them to meet the other woman? she had her part in breaking up my family, how is it possible that she has my kids' best interest in mind?