i am so tired again (read: still). i want this divorce crap to be done with (and am doing what i need to get it done) but it seems like it is taking forever and i just see it stretching out in front of me for miles and miles. i wish i didn't have to work my life around his flaky behavior anymore.
a few weeks ago at p's summer camp one of the other moms asked me if there were any fringe benefits to being a single mom. i of course had to say no. i suppose if r had them more often and was more reliable when he did have them there might be some. maybe.
i used to love sunday mornings. r would get up with the kid(s) and let me sleep in. (hey you! yeah you, my brain, my body, remember how it felt to sleep until you were no longer tired! no? i didn't think so.) i can't really let my mind fantasize about that now. i can't really remember what it felt like to hear the kids wake up between us, look over at r, grin and whine "please r, just 5 more minutes. you're a pal for letting me sleep in." *snore*
did i deserve to sleep in back then? do i deserve it now? or is this just my (poorly paying) job? was i just really lucky before to have such a wonderful (if resentful/lying/cheating) husband? did i really not do my fair share? was i the bossy bitch he says i was, taking what i wanted and ignoring his wants and needs?
did i make my bed when i had kids with him? should i have seen this as a possibility when i signed on? what about his bed?
a few weeks ago at p's summer camp one of the other moms asked me if there were any fringe benefits to being a single mom. i of course had to say no. i suppose if r had them more often and was more reliable when he did have them there might be some. maybe.
i used to love sunday mornings. r would get up with the kid(s) and let me sleep in. (hey you! yeah you, my brain, my body, remember how it felt to sleep until you were no longer tired! no? i didn't think so.) i can't really let my mind fantasize about that now. i can't really remember what it felt like to hear the kids wake up between us, look over at r, grin and whine "please r, just 5 more minutes. you're a pal for letting me sleep in." *snore*
did i deserve to sleep in back then? do i deserve it now? or is this just my (poorly paying) job? was i just really lucky before to have such a wonderful (if resentful/lying/cheating) husband? did i really not do my fair share? was i the bossy bitch he says i was, taking what i wanted and ignoring his wants and needs?
did i make my bed when i had kids with him? should i have seen this as a possibility when i signed on? what about his bed?