so i've finally felt in the last couple of weeks that i have the kids' and my lives going in some sort of direction, that i'm untangling myself to a large degree from r, that we're stabilizing. i thought both shoes already dropped. i mean, remember easter? not so fast.tonight r calls in between jobs to (i assume) say "hi" to parker. she picks up, talks to him briefly and then hands the phone to me. "daddy wants to talk to you." he says he is calling to "check in" and he wants to talk to me about something. *large-ish lump in throat* he's decided that he needs to be more involved in the kids' lives. he's been working so hard to support us because he believed (correctly) that that was what was important. now though, he feels that his time with the kids is more important. he can't continue on this way. as if i have been imposing this on him. and he uses that tone. he's already dropped shifts at work. when i ask him if there is going to be enough money he says he doesn't know, i may want to think about getting a job hostessing at a restaurant a couple of nights a week.
i tell him i am concerned, that parker has been doing better finally and people have been commenting. he immediately gets pissy and i assure him that i am not trying to prevent him from seeing the kids. i remind him that three days a week for a few hours had been working fine, that i wasn't the one that changed that. he says that the three day a week thing is fine...for now. ominously. he wants to take parker to the beach, he wants to take her to the farmer's market, the pool. nothing about mr. baby incidentally. nothing about doing any of the work of raising them, just the fun parts. i'm guessing 'renz falls into the work category or something.
can he do this, legally? what the hell does this mean? does he get to waltz in and out of the kids' lives any time he feels like it, when it suits his needs and wants?
my one fear, since the day he left, has been that r is going to try and take the kids from me, in a big way, in a small way - it doesn't really matter. what am i to rationally think in this situation? it's such a primal feeling fear. my throat closes up thinking about packing them off to spend long streches of time away from me. they're just babies. 'renzo has now lived withOUT r longer than he lived with him.
when is this going to get easier?