i keep thinking that i'm almost to the end of this. not the experience of it but the thinking and dreaming and wondering parts. haven't i already thought all there is to think about my situation? there has literally not been one single waking hour since he left that i haven't thought about him/it. i remember when i was in chemo how thinking about cancer was the same way for me. and then when all the treatment was finally over i kind of felt adrift. what now? i still had all this thinking but no action, no survival motion, to go with it. eventually, i realized that it had been an hour, a day, a month since i last thought about cancer. but i don't remember how that process happened and i certainly can't imagine it.
i think that is part of wanting a new partner. i want something that clearly states i'm beyond this. that and i've become accustomed to the treatment i've been getting from r. it's not that i feel i don't deserve better. i do. but my standards are pretty low. anyone that shows basic courtesy or friendliness gets my attention. pathetically, "he likes me! he really likes me." *waves to cute guy with mohawk in the book section of savers*
r's interaction with the whole world seems to be what it is with me. closed off, belligerent, over the top. he talks about yelling at bar patrons ("a shot. just pick a fucking shot!") and i witnessed him come down way too hard on one of MY neighbors over something really small. so if that's how he treats everyone now, why should it matter what he thinks of me? i guess he is the standard of a "man in my life." it's not just that we were together for 11 years, it's that we were together during our formative years. my god, since middle school. i don't know what it's like to be with someone else. i've imprinted on him and i literally, in my minds eye, cannot envision what i might look like with someone else. dear universe, send someone else.
i think that is part of wanting a new partner. i want something that clearly states i'm beyond this. that and i've become accustomed to the treatment i've been getting from r. it's not that i feel i don't deserve better. i do. but my standards are pretty low. anyone that shows basic courtesy or friendliness gets my attention. pathetically, "he likes me! he really likes me." *waves to cute guy with mohawk in the book section of savers*
r's interaction with the whole world seems to be what it is with me. closed off, belligerent, over the top. he talks about yelling at bar patrons ("a shot. just pick a fucking shot!") and i witnessed him come down way too hard on one of MY neighbors over something really small. so if that's how he treats everyone now, why should it matter what he thinks of me? i guess he is the standard of a "man in my life." it's not just that we were together for 11 years, it's that we were together during our formative years. my god, since middle school. i don't know what it's like to be with someone else. i've imprinted on him and i literally, in my minds eye, cannot envision what i might look like with someone else. dear universe, send someone else.