yesterday, at the circus, as i was admiring one of the clowns (from afar- *yipes!* up close) i realized that i've been doing something over the past few months. sizing people (read, men) up. wondering whether they'd make a good husband, a good friend, a good father. whether they'd love me or leave me or stay with me for a decade and then tell me that i was bad in bed or that i controlled them. then i get irritated with the fictional future beau.
my standards are both so much higher and so much lower than they used to be. i have vowed that "this won't happen to me twice" (but who is to say it won't?), that i will find someone who will love me and my kids forever the next time around. that i should have seen this coming. that no one saw this coming. that all men are bad. that most men are good. that he's crazy. that i'm crazy. that he's just flawed and making me the enemy to avoid taking any responsibility for the mess he's made of our lives. i'm both unwilling to change my self and too willing to compromise. i feel desperate to re-partner so that i won't feel like the pathetic one once he's remarried and had kids. but, i'm defensive because who am i to call me pathetic, bitch! i'm better off alone. but i miss that person that is sort of er, obligated to say nice things once in a while. i want someone to hold my hand.
i'm suddenly (?) desperate to prove myself. i'm growing my hair out, occasionally wearing makeup, painting my toenails to prove to ? that i'm feminine. this morning i made stuffed french toast and invited my parents over because i love them and want to eat meals with grownups who are more conversationally and less whiny than small children and also, to show them that i can cook. same with the from-scratch chicken soup i made for parker last week. i write and read and edumacate myself to show the world that i am driven and smart and wordy. i make jokes about my (sometimes) shitty situation to show r that he can't beat me down, that i'm funny and resilient etc. i clean my house like a fool, vacuuming up to 3 times a day to prove that i'm "keeping it together."
where are the consequences to his actions? why does he keep getting away with these things? i mean sure, he's lost some people, but he doesn't seem to care. he is confident that with a public defender he'll be able to get off scott-free from the misdemeanor. because, he, ya know, knows people...
more later.
my standards are both so much higher and so much lower than they used to be. i have vowed that "this won't happen to me twice" (but who is to say it won't?), that i will find someone who will love me and my kids forever the next time around. that i should have seen this coming. that no one saw this coming. that all men are bad. that most men are good. that he's crazy. that i'm crazy. that he's just flawed and making me the enemy to avoid taking any responsibility for the mess he's made of our lives. i'm both unwilling to change my self and too willing to compromise. i feel desperate to re-partner so that i won't feel like the pathetic one once he's remarried and had kids. but, i'm defensive because who am i to call me pathetic, bitch! i'm better off alone. but i miss that person that is sort of er, obligated to say nice things once in a while. i want someone to hold my hand.
i'm suddenly (?) desperate to prove myself. i'm growing my hair out, occasionally wearing makeup, painting my toenails to prove to ? that i'm feminine. this morning i made stuffed french toast and invited my parents over because i love them and want to eat meals with grownups who are more conversationally and less whiny than small children and also, to show them that i can cook. same with the from-scratch chicken soup i made for parker last week. i write and read and edumacate myself to show the world that i am driven and smart and wordy. i make jokes about my (sometimes) shitty situation to show r that he can't beat me down, that i'm funny and resilient etc. i clean my house like a fool, vacuuming up to 3 times a day to prove that i'm "keeping it together."
where are the consequences to his actions? why does he keep getting away with these things? i mean sure, he's lost some people, but he doesn't seem to care. he is confident that with a public defender he'll be able to get off scott-free from the misdemeanor. because, he, ya know, knows people...
more later.