i read him the letter. he scoffed through much of it and i don't know what he heard but i said it in my own strong voice and he had no choice to sit beside me and feel the vibrations at least.
it's done. i'm done. i'm scared of saying the words. i'm scared to be a divorced person, to check that box under "marital status." i'm scared of the paperwork. i'm scared of that "custody agreement" and "aminony" and "no fault state" will be come part of my working vocabulary. but maybe they already have.
i found out today that r's lifestyle hasn't changed that much over the last two years. in other words, all the stuff i'm finding out isn't stuff that wasn't happening before it was just stuff that i didn't know about. he said there were months (before and during my pregnancy with 'renzer) that he was hungover in the mornings. he says he's "entitled" to live the lifestyle he's living. he says i'm not really doing all that much more than i was before, because of all the people i have helping me. so, i'm done.
even so, i'm scared to find that i'm happier alone. i'm scared that someday alone won't be good enough and i'll want someone else. i'm scared that no man on earth will want a 25 (or 30 or 40) year old single mother of two. who wants more kids, maybe oodles more (yes, me: insane). who insists on the craziness of homebirthing, co-sleeping, non-vaxing, breastfeeding, gd-ing...and so on.
but, none of that really has anything to do with being with this man. this man who is not only, not who i thought he was, but much less. this man who was too weak or prideful to tell me he was unhappy. who chose instead to drink, get me pregnant, see other women and leave with no warning. after already deciding he was done.
yes friends, i'm better off alone.
it's done. i'm done. i'm scared of saying the words. i'm scared to be a divorced person, to check that box under "marital status." i'm scared of the paperwork. i'm scared of that "custody agreement" and "aminony" and "no fault state" will be come part of my working vocabulary. but maybe they already have.
i found out today that r's lifestyle hasn't changed that much over the last two years. in other words, all the stuff i'm finding out isn't stuff that wasn't happening before it was just stuff that i didn't know about. he said there were months (before and during my pregnancy with 'renzer) that he was hungover in the mornings. he says he's "entitled" to live the lifestyle he's living. he says i'm not really doing all that much more than i was before, because of all the people i have helping me. so, i'm done.
even so, i'm scared to find that i'm happier alone. i'm scared that someday alone won't be good enough and i'll want someone else. i'm scared that no man on earth will want a 25 (or 30 or 40) year old single mother of two. who wants more kids, maybe oodles more (yes, me: insane). who insists on the craziness of homebirthing, co-sleeping, non-vaxing, breastfeeding, gd-ing...and so on.
but, none of that really has anything to do with being with this man. this man who is not only, not who i thought he was, but much less. this man who was too weak or prideful to tell me he was unhappy. who chose instead to drink, get me pregnant, see other women and leave with no warning. after already deciding he was done.
yes friends, i'm better off alone.