this sounds strange but i wish this hurt more, physically. my emotions aren't matching up with how my body feels. and my emotions are all about the wrong things. i would rather be mourning the loss of my nipples or my natural breasts. i would rather say i'm looking down shamefully at these scars that will always be here or that i feel like less of a woman. i would rather that i have no sensation in my skin. but like i said before, this wasn't an erogenous zone due to radiation anyway and i don't care. truthfully, i look down in awe at these amazing transformations - day by day - and feel proud and empowered. (this feels like a pregnancy, the nesting, the watching things grow. this doesn't feel like dying.) but i'm crying all the time. i know depression; it's not this. it feels hormonal but how can it be? stop telling me i'm sad about my boobs. just punch me in the stitches and make me hurt on the outside so this makes sense to me.