d and i are doing south beach, we're about two weeks in. (everyone shut up, i'm not trying to lose weight.) basically, nothing refined, no sugar, no flour/grain, or fruit during phase one. i've noticed something interesting since starting. first, i'm feeling less tired eating NO processed food (duh). and second, the skin on the back of my arms has cleared up almost entirely (for the first time in as long as i can remember). apparently i'm still allergic to wheat and/or corn. *smacks forehead* i was diagnosed with wheat, egg, and corn allergies when i was little that caused me to be majorly hyperactive and have (very minor) skin issues. when the behavioral stuff remedied in middle school (?) i started being allowed to eat whatever i wanted. after rice cake sandwiches i was ALL ABOUT the bread. now, i'm seriously considering avoiding wheat for a good few months to see the effects on how i look/feel... i'm not a giant carb fiend anyway.
so, bk and i went and signed the documents to transfer the house out of our names into just my name. he met me here at the house and then i drove us to my lawyer's office. the 15 minutes in the car was the longest time we've spent together, forced to make conversation, since we were seeing bob. it's strange to know so much about someone - their past, their family, their likes and dislikes - and to feel so awkward around them. (i remember realizing how much things had changed when, about two months after he left, he walked in on me in the tub with the kids and i felt panicky and a bit violated. and was perhaps?) we made our way through though and he bought me a coffee, we signed the papers and were on our way. on the way home i told him that someone asked if d and i were planning to have kids. and that we exclaimed in unison: 'no way!' bk found this hard to believe, thought that i'd change my mind eventually. i found myself telling him what i've been spewing to everyone all since a few months after 'the bad thing' happened: i wouldn't risk it again. having children with someone puts so much stress on a relationship. it changes the dynamics. it creates resentment. it's not that i believe that it is inevitable but that the idea of even potentially becoming a single mama again is NOT worth the potential gains (and post partum depression!) i'm not wanting to ruin an awesome relationship. and i like raising my children with someone else. everything is a bonus, not an expectation. we wound up resenting each other didn't we? for the roles we were thrust into?
and then i realized i'd just told him the honest to god truth. and myself. i resented him too. for the trapped feeling. for not being who i thought he'd be as a husband, a father a man. for stepping out. for leaving me in. it felt good to say. to be honest with each other. this is a journey.
so, bk and i went and signed the documents to transfer the house out of our names into just my name. he met me here at the house and then i drove us to my lawyer's office. the 15 minutes in the car was the longest time we've spent together, forced to make conversation, since we were seeing bob. it's strange to know so much about someone - their past, their family, their likes and dislikes - and to feel so awkward around them. (i remember realizing how much things had changed when, about two months after he left, he walked in on me in the tub with the kids and i felt panicky and a bit violated. and was perhaps?) we made our way through though and he bought me a coffee, we signed the papers and were on our way. on the way home i told him that someone asked if d and i were planning to have kids. and that we exclaimed in unison: 'no way!' bk found this hard to believe, thought that i'd change my mind eventually. i found myself telling him what i've been spewing to everyone all since a few months after 'the bad thing' happened: i wouldn't risk it again. having children with someone puts so much stress on a relationship. it changes the dynamics. it creates resentment. it's not that i believe that it is inevitable but that the idea of even potentially becoming a single mama again is NOT worth the potential gains (and post partum depression!) i'm not wanting to ruin an awesome relationship. and i like raising my children with someone else. everything is a bonus, not an expectation. we wound up resenting each other didn't we? for the roles we were thrust into?
and then i realized i'd just told him the honest to god truth. and myself. i resented him too. for the trapped feeling. for not being who i thought he'd be as a husband, a father a man. for stepping out. for leaving me in. it felt good to say. to be honest with each other. this is a journey.