i'm headed up to see bob. this has been a hard week since last friday. i'm absolutely and utterly exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open but i'm trying really hard to hang in there. i think i had reached another plateau of processing things. after last week i feel like i backslid a bit and have to process some more things that i hadn't allowed myself to think about.
d and i were talking last night about the fact that i want desperately for bk to own his part in all this out loud, to me. to admit that he cheated, left in a cowardly way and has shirked his responsibilities in favor of this overblown and materialistic lifestyle he's leading. and while i know it'll never happen part of me is clinging to this idea that since i did all this changing and admitting and repenting (during those months with bob especially), HE should too. i'm tired of being blamed for the shambles that is his life. tired of being punished by him for the ways in which he perceives i've done him wrong. anyway, d said, 'he DOES own all of it, not out loud, not to you, but to everyone who can see the truth of the situation.' and while i know he's right about that, and not waiting around for something that's never going to come, i somehow wish that r would resurface, repossess bk's body, if for just a moment and say, 'i did love you. i did hurt you. and i'm sorry.'
d and i were talking last night about the fact that i want desperately for bk to own his part in all this out loud, to me. to admit that he cheated, left in a cowardly way and has shirked his responsibilities in favor of this overblown and materialistic lifestyle he's leading. and while i know it'll never happen part of me is clinging to this idea that since i did all this changing and admitting and repenting (during those months with bob especially), HE should too. i'm tired of being blamed for the shambles that is his life. tired of being punished by him for the ways in which he perceives i've done him wrong. anyway, d said, 'he DOES own all of it, not out loud, not to you, but to everyone who can see the truth of the situation.' and while i know he's right about that, and not waiting around for something that's never going to come, i somehow wish that r would resurface, repossess bk's body, if for just a moment and say, 'i did love you. i did hurt you. and i'm sorry.'