*i still intend to finish the incarnation post...i'm sure you're all on pins and needles waiting to hear the details of my MANY and SORDID love affairs.
i remember, despite my knowledge of the 'inappropriate relationship' bk had with the woman while i was pregnant with 'renzo, being absolutely certain that an affair was not to blame, even in part, for him leaving. it was coke. it was bi-polar disorder. it was porphyria. it was NOT another woman. (why didn't i just listen to my dad?)
he left on november 26th. i found out about the san francisco dinner on january 5th. less than six weeks after he left (far less i suspect) he was having overnights with another woman; he was done wearing his wedding ring. i was totally blindsided by this. and hurt. and ashamed. and in total denial.... i really tried to believe that that wasn't the worst possible thing a relationship could face. shit, i offered to let him take a year to date and then decide about our marriage. i was praying for a miracle and i thought that meant him coming back to me. the miracle is that i decided that i deserve someone who chooses to be faithful to me, and my family.
that's all fine and good right? except, they're still together. and i've built miss bk up to be this HUGE and terrifying creature. i keep trying to rationalize that she must be terribly threatened by me (i'm a few years older; i am eternally tied to her man because of our children; she doesn't have kids and mine overwhelm her, i know bk's family, his past...). a snake is more afraid of you than you are of it or something like that. except, because i've only met her once (kinda) and it was before he left i think of her as this perfectly coiffed blond princess, someone worth leaving for. and the more time that passes the more my imagination gets the best of me.
i want desperately to be the bigger person. i want to insist on meeting her, to reach my hand out and shake hers, introducing myself - as the wife of the man you're fucking. you owe me $10,000 for therapy for my daughter, the one you find so overwhelming? do you think he won't bore of you too? won't tell you you're a shitty person AND bad in bed, when he's moved on to the next best thing? how do you sleep at night knowing you were part and party to the end of a marriage, the breakup of a family? you should have thought of this before you took your pants off! - to smile warmly at her and be friendly at future extra-curriculars. you see my dilemma. what if i spew this venom all over her? what if i pull her extensions out of her head, kick her in the shins? this has the potential for so much ugliness.
on the flip side, d2 had his last soccer game this afternoon, followed by an end of season party at the local pizza joint. it was me and d and a, the three of us (plus the three kids of course). friendly and chatty and there, for d2. miss p on a's lap. the whole deal. and it is SO much easier that way. *le sigh*
i remember, despite my knowledge of the 'inappropriate relationship' bk had with the woman while i was pregnant with 'renzo, being absolutely certain that an affair was not to blame, even in part, for him leaving. it was coke. it was bi-polar disorder. it was porphyria. it was NOT another woman. (why didn't i just listen to my dad?)
he left on november 26th. i found out about the san francisco dinner on january 5th. less than six weeks after he left (far less i suspect) he was having overnights with another woman; he was done wearing his wedding ring. i was totally blindsided by this. and hurt. and ashamed. and in total denial.... i really tried to believe that that wasn't the worst possible thing a relationship could face. shit, i offered to let him take a year to date and then decide about our marriage. i was praying for a miracle and i thought that meant him coming back to me. the miracle is that i decided that i deserve someone who chooses to be faithful to me, and my family.
that's all fine and good right? except, they're still together. and i've built miss bk up to be this HUGE and terrifying creature. i keep trying to rationalize that she must be terribly threatened by me (i'm a few years older; i am eternally tied to her man because of our children; she doesn't have kids and mine overwhelm her, i know bk's family, his past...). a snake is more afraid of you than you are of it or something like that. except, because i've only met her once (kinda) and it was before he left i think of her as this perfectly coiffed blond princess, someone worth leaving for. and the more time that passes the more my imagination gets the best of me.
i want desperately to be the bigger person. i want to insist on meeting her, to reach my hand out and shake hers, introducing myself - as the wife of the man you're fucking. you owe me $10,000 for therapy for my daughter, the one you find so overwhelming? do you think he won't bore of you too? won't tell you you're a shitty person AND bad in bed, when he's moved on to the next best thing? how do you sleep at night knowing you were part and party to the end of a marriage, the breakup of a family? you should have thought of this before you took your pants off! - to smile warmly at her and be friendly at future extra-curriculars. you see my dilemma. what if i spew this venom all over her? what if i pull her extensions out of her head, kick her in the shins? this has the potential for so much ugliness.
on the flip side, d2 had his last soccer game this afternoon, followed by an end of season party at the local pizza joint. it was me and d and a, the three of us (plus the three kids of course). friendly and chatty and there, for d2. miss p on a's lap. the whole deal. and it is SO much easier that way. *le sigh*