meeting and doing and loving and yelling and singing raspy voiced in front of people i don't know very well. and cooking omelettes in the middle of the night and hearing phantom phone calls and ignoring my bills and staying in a lot. i keep finding myself at the beginning of things and wondering how on earth do you keep from suddenly finding yourself at the end of them. how do you balance joy and anticipation with stability? when did i start taking risks? ina told me yesterday that she was impressed that i'm not bitter, i haven't let him do that to me. i don't hate men, don't even hate that man in particular. it's strange and liberating to knowingly get on someone else's roller coaster and not be scared, just happy to have found that the sounds from the freeway in the front bedroom aren't enough to keep anyone awake after all. the rumblings of adulthood are closer and when i grow up... and the bad thing that kept becoming the worse thing until finally it was the inevitable thing and the thing that set me free.
and if i'm being honest, that morning that he left, he was sitting on the couch holding his face in his hands and i knew he was making up his mind about something, like always unable to decide without my help, and so i whispered maybe you should go for a little drive and the decision was made for him and it was mine. i knew and i didn't know and part of me was betting that he would resist and tell me i was crazy or dramatic or what about the kids and part of me knew that if his shoulders passed through the threshold of the front door that would be the end of it and it was. a few weeks earlier we had been camping and he choked badly, had to be taken to the hospital. it was emotional more than physical i suspect and he was distant that week and mad at me because i wanted more help with the kids (renzo was 3 months) and he wanted to fish the whole time with his dad. it was his dad and sister that took him to the hospital and i stayed at the campsite with my parents and kids. i hugged him and thought i should tell him to please come back to us, and how, but i didn't and wonder now where i'm pulling this from. it's been almost a year and maybe our bodies are suddenly remembering and certainly my body has started to forget and is trying hard to relearn something.
and if i'm being honest, that morning that he left, he was sitting on the couch holding his face in his hands and i knew he was making up his mind about something, like always unable to decide without my help, and so i whispered maybe you should go for a little drive and the decision was made for him and it was mine. i knew and i didn't know and part of me was betting that he would resist and tell me i was crazy or dramatic or what about the kids and part of me knew that if his shoulders passed through the threshold of the front door that would be the end of it and it was. a few weeks earlier we had been camping and he choked badly, had to be taken to the hospital. it was emotional more than physical i suspect and he was distant that week and mad at me because i wanted more help with the kids (renzo was 3 months) and he wanted to fish the whole time with his dad. it was his dad and sister that took him to the hospital and i stayed at the campsite with my parents and kids. i hugged him and thought i should tell him to please come back to us, and how, but i didn't and wonder now where i'm pulling this from. it's been almost a year and maybe our bodies are suddenly remembering and certainly my body has started to forget and is trying hard to relearn something.