i'm not sure if it's because the one year mark is about to roll around or because i accidently let myself stop being angry yesterday or because my dream life took a turn for the hopeful (if strange) or because there was a momentary lull in the flurry of action that is day-to-day life, but i've moved back into grieving. grieving for what was and what might have and should have been. grieving for the loss of friendship and partnership and parenthood in a more standard way. i ache for that person that stood by me through cancer and upheaval of various sorts. i ache for the poetry i wrote, that we won't get to live. i ache for the fact that i cannot look back, not even one month back, much less one year or ten years for fear that i'll see happiness in me, but not in him. i miss him so goddamn much and it makes me feel weak and pathetic because my resolve isn't what i thought it was. and while i wouldn't let him come home to us (how could i?), i'm so very sad that he is gone, lost to us forever. i guess that is what grief is. and maybe it will come in cycles through the years or maybe when i've met somebody new, someone who fits me in the way he used to, or the way i thought he did, i won't feel this way anymore. and maybe someday he will be man enough to answer honestly when i ask him was it worth it? are you happier? but surely that day won't come and neither answer would undo this... in any case, this has caught me by surprise and it sucks.