(i think i may have talked about this when r first left but i don't really want to go back and check...)
i have been the type of person that saves things, for what i don't know. i have gorgeous clothes and shoes and lingerie that i have never worn because the stars have never aligned just so. i have books that i have never read (or read once and haven't read again) because they're so wonderful that if i start them i know i'll just finish them. i have a bottle of champagne that is several years old (and probably beyond getting better). there are meatballs in my freezer that my grandma made; i don't want to eat them because then they'll be gone. bath balls, bath salts, lotions, perfumes, lipsticks, eyeshadows, massage oils, hair products fill my bathroom - too perfect to use. when i go on a vacation i feel sad before i even get on the airplane thinking about how i'll feel when i have to come home. (wow, this looks terrible written down). i'm the same way at nice dinners. (don't bring dessert, that means it's almost over. wah.) i began to pass this on to p and 'renz. (no, you can't wear that dress, it's special. no you can't play with that toy it's just to look at.)
what the hell have i been waiting for? the perfect moment? the perfect person? the perfect opportunity? the perfect event? the perfect self/body/emotion? it hasn't come. it's not coming. it's already here.
this is something i vowed to change right off the bat when r and i started therapy with bob. i thought letting go of these things would show him that i could change. as it turned out it didn't matter if i could change, it wasn't ever about that. but it was still a worthwhile change for me to make, for me. i've tried to live as though now is the perfect moment. as if it has already started.
there are markedly fewer bath salts under my sink. p and i have had some nice baths. i'm wearing perfume most days. i bought a bikini (!) yesterday. because i'm not going to wait until 'renzo is 3 to start surfing again. i'm going before the end of september (austin, you'll facilitate this right?) i just went through my closet and have pulled out three huge bags of clothes/shoes to donate. the clothes left are ones that i love and that fit me well (er, i saved some bigger ones in case i get back to my usual weight). i ironed all of my (and p's and 'renz's dressy clothes) so that we can wear them when we want to without that excuse standing in the way. i ironed and organized my lingerie so that i can wear it, even if only i see me in it. i cut some flowers out of the garden so that i can enjoy them in the house. i painted my toenails with my favorite polish. i devoured one of my favorite books in less than 24 hours and i enjoyed every word.
i have been the type of person that saves things, for what i don't know. i have gorgeous clothes and shoes and lingerie that i have never worn because the stars have never aligned just so. i have books that i have never read (or read once and haven't read again) because they're so wonderful that if i start them i know i'll just finish them. i have a bottle of champagne that is several years old (and probably beyond getting better). there are meatballs in my freezer that my grandma made; i don't want to eat them because then they'll be gone. bath balls, bath salts, lotions, perfumes, lipsticks, eyeshadows, massage oils, hair products fill my bathroom - too perfect to use. when i go on a vacation i feel sad before i even get on the airplane thinking about how i'll feel when i have to come home. (wow, this looks terrible written down). i'm the same way at nice dinners. (don't bring dessert, that means it's almost over. wah.) i began to pass this on to p and 'renz. (no, you can't wear that dress, it's special. no you can't play with that toy it's just to look at.)
what the hell have i been waiting for? the perfect moment? the perfect person? the perfect opportunity? the perfect event? the perfect self/body/emotion? it hasn't come. it's not coming. it's already here.
this is something i vowed to change right off the bat when r and i started therapy with bob. i thought letting go of these things would show him that i could change. as it turned out it didn't matter if i could change, it wasn't ever about that. but it was still a worthwhile change for me to make, for me. i've tried to live as though now is the perfect moment. as if it has already started.
there are markedly fewer bath salts under my sink. p and i have had some nice baths. i'm wearing perfume most days. i bought a bikini (!) yesterday. because i'm not going to wait until 'renzo is 3 to start surfing again. i'm going before the end of september (austin, you'll facilitate this right?) i just went through my closet and have pulled out three huge bags of clothes/shoes to donate. the clothes left are ones that i love and that fit me well (er, i saved some bigger ones in case i get back to my usual weight). i ironed all of my (and p's and 'renz's dressy clothes) so that we can wear them when we want to without that excuse standing in the way. i ironed and organized my lingerie so that i can wear it, even if only i see me in it. i cut some flowers out of the garden so that i can enjoy them in the house. i painted my toenails with my favorite polish. i devoured one of my favorite books in less than 24 hours and i enjoyed every word.
take that.
that's me mooning you. okay, not really me. and not really mooning. but that's the suit i bought yesterday.