now the honest part. i'm totally insecure and neurotic. i'm relieved because i've thought less (read: not every single waking moment and most dreaming ones as well) about r in the last few days than i have since he left. but. i've been thinking (read: obsessing) about my date with b since it ended.
did i say the wrong things? was i creepy? was i too crunchy? did i talk too much? was i too forward? did i seem as desperate as i feel sometimes? did i come on too strong? not strong enough? should i have waited a few days to bring up the movie thing? did he just feel sorry for me? would a guy ask for a second date if he didn't want one? is he going to cancel on me for the movies on saturday? oh my god, did i ruin things by text messaging him today? should i wait and let him initiate contact next time? was he being polite by not jumping my bones or was he not attracted to me? is anyone anywhere going to want to jump my bones ever again? will the lactating stretch-marky tube-sock boobs gross men out? will i ever operate from a place of true confidence not just bravado?
i'm terrified to be rejected by this guy who i don't even really know yet. ok? that's it. i'm so scared to be burned like i was. i'm scared that i'll like him and he won't like me. or he will like me, for a while. and then he'll get bored and leave me for someone else who has fewer children (read: none) and more flexible. and then where will i be? i can't count on my dad to get me dates forever.
but. BUT, i want to thank the universe for this one lovely date with b. because it is the first thing that has felt like the beginning of my (our the kids too really) new life instead of a clinger-on-er from the old life that is slowly making its way through the courts. so thank you universe. bring it on. i can take it.
did i say the wrong things? was i creepy? was i too crunchy? did i talk too much? was i too forward? did i seem as desperate as i feel sometimes? did i come on too strong? not strong enough? should i have waited a few days to bring up the movie thing? did he just feel sorry for me? would a guy ask for a second date if he didn't want one? is he going to cancel on me for the movies on saturday? oh my god, did i ruin things by text messaging him today? should i wait and let him initiate contact next time? was he being polite by not jumping my bones or was he not attracted to me? is anyone anywhere going to want to jump my bones ever again? will the lactating stretch-marky tube-sock boobs gross men out? will i ever operate from a place of true confidence not just bravado?
i'm terrified to be rejected by this guy who i don't even really know yet. ok? that's it. i'm so scared to be burned like i was. i'm scared that i'll like him and he won't like me. or he will like me, for a while. and then he'll get bored and leave me for someone else who has fewer children (read: none) and more flexible. and then where will i be? i can't count on my dad to get me dates forever.
but. BUT, i want to thank the universe for this one lovely date with b. because it is the first thing that has felt like the beginning of my (our the kids too really) new life instead of a clinger-on-er from the old life that is slowly making its way through the courts. so thank you universe. bring it on. i can take it.