i'm embarrased. just that. completely embarrassed that my marriage is failing (has failed?) and there is nothing i can do to save it. my intelligence, my emotion, my faith...none of it has worked. i am currently unloveable and unattractive to my husband. and that makes me feel really really ashamed. it is terrible to hear someone say those things. it is worse to hear them say that something could have been saved before, but it is too late now.
the lady that does my eyebrows (my one "feminine" luxury) asked me if we were starting to think about another baby now that 'renzo is close to walking. i told her "no." i didn't tell her that yes, i am thinking about another baby but my husband is divorcing me so now is probably a bad time to try. i didn't tell her that i hate the way "half-brother" or "half-sister" sounds and that the reality of me finding another partner, getting to know him, marrying him and trying to have a baby before i hit chemo/radiation induced early menopause is really freaking daunting to me.
not to mention that i don't know how i'll ever trust another person not to leave me stranded when i think we're happy, whatever that means. not to mention i still haven't figured out how to unlove him. not to mention that i don't know how to do being in love because we've been together since we were kids and i don't know what grown-up love is supposed to look like. i thought it was supposed to look like this. i guess i was wrong.
i prayed out loud for the first time in my life last night. i don't know if i was praying to god or the universe or r or me-maybe it doesn't matter. the sky didn't open up like i had hoped but in some small way it made me feel better.
the lady that does my eyebrows (my one "feminine" luxury) asked me if we were starting to think about another baby now that 'renzo is close to walking. i told her "no." i didn't tell her that yes, i am thinking about another baby but my husband is divorcing me so now is probably a bad time to try. i didn't tell her that i hate the way "half-brother" or "half-sister" sounds and that the reality of me finding another partner, getting to know him, marrying him and trying to have a baby before i hit chemo/radiation induced early menopause is really freaking daunting to me.
not to mention that i don't know how i'll ever trust another person not to leave me stranded when i think we're happy, whatever that means. not to mention i still haven't figured out how to unlove him. not to mention that i don't know how to do being in love because we've been together since we were kids and i don't know what grown-up love is supposed to look like. i thought it was supposed to look like this. i guess i was wrong.
i prayed out loud for the first time in my life last night. i don't know if i was praying to god or the universe or r or me-maybe it doesn't matter. the sky didn't open up like i had hoped but in some small way it made me feel better.