yesterday was our umpteenth appointment with bob. i had decided on thurday that it would be our last. we aren't going to stay married. r's desire to have a "working relationship for the kids" is sort of becoming a moot point. i was feeling alternately like a punching bag and totally invisible during our sessions. anyway, i had had enough. my motivation for continuing for the last few weeks has been a sense of responsibilty to r because i believe that a) he needs help b) bob can help him c) he won't get help from bob without me holding his hand (metaphorically of course. "don't touch her, she poison people!!!") so, i said all this to bob. i'm tired of being the one who has to change. i'm tired of being the one who gets blamed for this mess. i'm tired of hearing how selfish and unattractive i am. and bob, because he's fantastic, made me feel totally validated.
i told bob/r that a friendship with r is important to me. not because i think he is a great guy deserving of my wondeful friendshipness (ha) but because a friendship is a safety net for our kids in a bunch of ways that i'm too tired to explain and you all are smart enough to figure out on your own. r said what he usually says to this statement. "but, er, i just don't want you to get the wrong idea." r. r, i don't want you anymore. you aren't a partner. you have lied to me. you have cheated on me. you have betrayed me in countless ways. namely, you left our family. i don't want you as my husband anymore. i want someone who will love me and be there for our kids always. he seemed somewhat surprised. bob said i am further along and it is r's turn to catch up. so, i guess i'm going back again next week afterall.
meanwhile, we've agreed to try this three day a week thing. so far it isn't working. or rather, it is more of a one or two days a week thing. i need to start noting when he does show up/does call. it hasn't been frequent. r is quickly turning into an uncle of sorts to the kids. (he asked me a few days ago how many teeth 'renzo has.) i guess i'm okay with this. i'm willing to let him bow out gracefully-ish in order to make room for the other people who will cherish the kids like they deserve. i think r is coming to terms with the fact that he isn't the father he thought he was, and that he did more child-rearing than he wanted to. which is NOT to say he doesn't love them...because, in his way, he does. i just can't imagine what a terrible realization that must be. and i can't imagine how he is going to feel in 20 years when he realizes what he's missed out on.
i told bob/r that a friendship with r is important to me. not because i think he is a great guy deserving of my wondeful friendshipness (ha) but because a friendship is a safety net for our kids in a bunch of ways that i'm too tired to explain and you all are smart enough to figure out on your own. r said what he usually says to this statement. "but, er, i just don't want you to get the wrong idea." r. r, i don't want you anymore. you aren't a partner. you have lied to me. you have cheated on me. you have betrayed me in countless ways. namely, you left our family. i don't want you as my husband anymore. i want someone who will love me and be there for our kids always. he seemed somewhat surprised. bob said i am further along and it is r's turn to catch up. so, i guess i'm going back again next week afterall.
meanwhile, we've agreed to try this three day a week thing. so far it isn't working. or rather, it is more of a one or two days a week thing. i need to start noting when he does show up/does call. it hasn't been frequent. r is quickly turning into an uncle of sorts to the kids. (he asked me a few days ago how many teeth 'renzo has.) i guess i'm okay with this. i'm willing to let him bow out gracefully-ish in order to make room for the other people who will cherish the kids like they deserve. i think r is coming to terms with the fact that he isn't the father he thought he was, and that he did more child-rearing than he wanted to. which is NOT to say he doesn't love them...because, in his way, he does. i just can't imagine what a terrible realization that must be. and i can't imagine how he is going to feel in 20 years when he realizes what he's missed out on.