and maybe you're as confused as i am. what makes such an amazing person/husband/father walk out on a sunday afternoon? after 11 years. and at christmas. with a 5 month old and a 3 year old at home. he says he's been unhappy. i only wish i'd known.
i'm heart-broken. i'm grief-stricken. i'm mad. i'm confused. i'm so glad i have my two babes to take care of; to keep my hands and heart busy. i just wish it wasn't christmas.
i'm fucking exhausted. i am so goddamn tired i can't even express. my parents have been so incredibly helpful these last 2.5 weeks but nonetheless i am emotionally and physically drained. its near impossible to put the kids down at bedtime by myself, thrash around with them all night, wake up with them too early (6.45 this morning!!! not even the sun was up!), bathe them, feed them, brush them, vacuum the house, feed the cats, scoop the litter, take out the trash, feed the baby, change the baby, do the laundry, feed the baby, change the baby, comfort a very confused miss p, feed her again, feed the baby again, and so on...ONLY to get up and do it all again the next day. i don't want to be a single mom. i know that. i don't want to raise my kids with someone other than r. i don't want this to be our truth. our kids' truth. i don't want this to be happening.
but it is. and i am putting the kids to bed and hanging the stupid christmas lights on the porch. and i'm trying to have a sense of humor and go gently with r and not let this all blow up in anger which he has so much of right now. i'm trying to make this okay for all of us. but i want him home. it pains me to think of him at his parents' house, in the twin bed that we used to so eagerly make out in (sorry tmi!) so fucking long ago. i wonder how he is sleeping without us. without cuddling these incredible little people that happen to be incredible little people that WE made.
i've tried so hard to surround myself with enough people that hopefully this will hurt less. it's not working. i want to call my very bestest friend (r) and tell him "this guy, this fucking incredible guy, who i've been in love with almost forever- he left me. he left me. he broke my good-for-nothing heart. come over and hold me and tell me it'll be okay. that somehow, someway we'll work this out. that we'll be old and we'll remember this time as an incredible gift, a turning point. hold me and tell me that." but, i can't. and he won't.
i'm heart-broken. i'm grief-stricken. i'm mad. i'm confused. i'm so glad i have my two babes to take care of; to keep my hands and heart busy. i just wish it wasn't christmas.
i'm fucking exhausted. i am so goddamn tired i can't even express. my parents have been so incredibly helpful these last 2.5 weeks but nonetheless i am emotionally and physically drained. its near impossible to put the kids down at bedtime by myself, thrash around with them all night, wake up with them too early (6.45 this morning!!! not even the sun was up!), bathe them, feed them, brush them, vacuum the house, feed the cats, scoop the litter, take out the trash, feed the baby, change the baby, do the laundry, feed the baby, change the baby, comfort a very confused miss p, feed her again, feed the baby again, and so on...ONLY to get up and do it all again the next day. i don't want to be a single mom. i know that. i don't want to raise my kids with someone other than r. i don't want this to be our truth. our kids' truth. i don't want this to be happening.
but it is. and i am putting the kids to bed and hanging the stupid christmas lights on the porch. and i'm trying to have a sense of humor and go gently with r and not let this all blow up in anger which he has so much of right now. i'm trying to make this okay for all of us. but i want him home. it pains me to think of him at his parents' house, in the twin bed that we used to so eagerly make out in (sorry tmi!) so fucking long ago. i wonder how he is sleeping without us. without cuddling these incredible little people that happen to be incredible little people that WE made.
i've tried so hard to surround myself with enough people that hopefully this will hurt less. it's not working. i want to call my very bestest friend (r) and tell him "this guy, this fucking incredible guy, who i've been in love with almost forever- he left me. he left me. he broke my good-for-nothing heart. come over and hold me and tell me it'll be okay. that somehow, someway we'll work this out. that we'll be old and we'll remember this time as an incredible gift, a turning point. hold me and tell me that." but, i can't. and he won't.