sleep is hard to come by as a *single* mama of two little ones. we've generally been getting into bed by 9.00 and (unfortunately) up by 8.15 at the latest. after i get the kids to sleep i lay in bed and try to get my mind to stop racing. all the things he's done or is doing or might do. all the things that i have to say to him while i still have a chance. whole dialogues that may or may not ever occur. 'stop! count backwards from 100.' and about the time i get to 95 he's back in my head and we're fighting or i'm begging or he's rejecting (us) or he's telling me he's in love with someone else. so i start to argue 'does she really want to be a stepmom?' and i plan to show up at his work with the kids and introduce myself to her. and she turns bright red and he screams at me for upsetting her. or maybe someone drives by the house and i think for a fleeting second that he's magically come to his senses and is coming home to us. but no, it isn't him. and i know that he's started this and he's hell bent on finishing it. but why? that puzzles me enough to fall asleep. but even sleep isn't particularly restful because i play out the scenarios in my dreams and wake up with a stomach ache. i'm so fucking pissed at him for doing this to us but still i love him and want him to come home.