I'm happy for you too! But I have to ask, having followed your blog for a long time: was this really YOUR dream? From what I can recall, this was Ben's dream and he asked you (per your words on your blog) on your second date if you wanted to help him. Did helping him become your dream? What about your own dreams? Do they still exist, or did they get pushed aside to work on Ben's dream? I would love to see you get YOUR wishes, too. You deserve it! - 'anon'
the short answer is: not at first; yes, in part; they matter too; no, never; things change.
the long answer is this: you know how at the beginning of something you think and hope that things will go one way and then they take a dramatically different turn? you know how this terrifies and devistates you but then you manage to survive it, only to realize it turned out the way it was supposed to? you know how if you'd been given a say in the matter you would have 'um, no' because it you wouldn't have believed it? yeah, like for example you marry your middle-school sweetheart, bear his children, hope to live 'happily ever after', only to have him leave you for a younger/blonder/perkier-boobed woman and you think your insides have fallen out the bottom but then you meet this nice guy who wants to make chocolate and you think 'YES, cute guy and chocolate, sign me up!' but then he says...'mmm, yes on the chocolate, but NO on the chemistry thing' and you think 'shit here we go again ' and crycrycry 'cause you're bound to be left repeatedly but shit, it makes you stronger and then you meet this man and ask him out because what do you have to lose and he says 'yes' and your first date lasts 10 days and now it's been years and he makes you terribly happy, happier than you had dared to hope to be and you get to work with your best friend every day and come home to this perfectly imperfect man that you love way done deep in your core. you know how that sometimes happens? me neither, but it does.
and the clearer version goes a little something like this: my dad and ben worked together. dad told ben to ask me out because everything was going to hell in a handbasket it seemed. all i knew about ben was that he'd been in 'magazines' and that r didn't really like him (plus!). so we went out on a date and had a good time, no fireworks but fun. we went out again and talked about chocolate. part of me was intruiged by what he told me and part of me wanted so desperately to be a part of something that i waved my arms and said 'pick me! pick me!' i wanted to be docile and 'yes' and undo what i thought i'd screwed up with r. i wanted to right the unfeminine, aggresive, controlling wrongs i'd imposed on him and i was bound and determined to have someone see it, like it, and want it. funny, so not who i am and so didn't work.
okay, bb in the morning to finish this.